Tony Stark is Not a Relationship Expert
by MissCar
Summary: Tony Stark has never excelled at interpersonal relationships of any type, but there are others who are even worse at this than him, like that idiot who forgot to mention that he wasn't dead any more. This is the story of what Tony was doing while everybody else was handling the SHIELD "situation" and how he found out Agent Agent was alive. S/T, C/M, P
1. Chapter 1

Title: Tony Stark is Not a Relationship Expert (But He is Still Doing Better than Phil Coulson)

Series: In A World Like This

Summary: Tony Stark has never excelled at interpersonal relationships of any type, but there are others who are even worse at this than him, like that idiot who forgot to mention that he wasn't dead any more. This is the story of what Tony was doing while everybody else was handling the SHIELD "situation" and how he found out Agent Agent was alive.

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This is the companion piece to Complicated Love Stories from the District of Insanity, but it can be read as a standalone story. Because I got so many nice reviews and kudos, I decided to do more in this universe. This was originally going to be a one-shot, but it just got too long and I had a little too much fun writing Coulson & Tony banter. At a minimum, this will be 3 to 4 chapters.

The story is cannon compliant for the MCU up to episode 22 of AOS, but will divert from there. (In other words, this story will probably be AU as soon as the new season of AOS starts.) That being said, this contains spoilers for everything before then including Winter Soldier.

Relationships: Tony/Steve, May/Coulson, Tony & Coulson, Tony & May, Steve/May (their relationship is mostly platonic in this story, but they slept together previously) and various background relationships past and present, including Tony/Pepper that is readjusting to becoming Tony & Pepper once more and FitzSimmons. I do love that complicated relationship, but they need their own story.

Rated M for language, Tony being Tony, sexual content, and violence.

Other warnings: This story is written by a dyslexic person using voice recognition software. Prone to crazy voice recognition errors and changing tenses without even realizing it. My beta tries her best, so proceed with compassion.

Proofread by Grayson Steele

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**Part 1: The Day Everything Blew Up.**

"I'm the first one to acknowledge that I've made a lot of mistakes; the rubble that is my former Malibu house is testament to that." Tony said as he poured himself a drink from the bar. "There are a number of people who want my head on a platter including my own Board of Directors. It's a small miracle I survived the 90s without an STI, legitimate paternity suit, or overdose."

"No, just palladium poisoning a decade later," the formally dead man in front of him sniped.

"Laugh it up, Director Agent. Look, I'm trying to explain the story of how The Calvary managed to save my ass after my latest complete and utter fuck up. The color commentary is unnecessary." Tony snapped.

"Whatever you do, do not call her that. She literally nailed her ex-whatever to the ground before fracturing his larynx. He still can't talk very well which is making interrogation slow." The guy in the suit warned.

"According to my new head of international security, he was Hydra." Ninja neighbor told Steve all about it during one of their epic email exchanges before Tony arranged this little trip. The Director just shrugged before taking a sip of his own drink.

"He was a lost kid who was following the wrong guy for what he thought was the right reasons. A guy who he thought rescued him from hell, only to put him in a new one. Unfortunately, that unwarranted loyalty led to Grant betraying the first group of people who actually saw him as something other than a tool."

"Now, I know why you were chosen to take over this gig." Tony said taking another slow drink. Steve would get mad if he got drunk.

"I hope Agent Scary doesn't speak to Pepper anytime soon. If I do one more stupid thing, Pepper will probably attach my balls to the nearest wall, even without any encouragement. Personally, I'm surprised that she didn't toss Steve's I'm-sorry-I'm-fucking-your-ex flowers at his head."

There was a business dinner last week that went probably as well as could be expected considering the circumstances. And yes, Steve did bring her flowers.

"What stupid thing did you do recently that could possibly lead to your ex-girlfriend nailing you to the wall by the genitals? And how does it relate to Steve at all?" The man asked.

"He's my boyfriend." That caused Director Agent to choke on the very expensive bourbon that Tony had bought for this particular conversation.

"How did that happen?" At least, the man formally known as Agent Agent did not say any variation of 'but I thought he was straight'. Even without the tabloids covering his every single move, nobody has any trouble believing that Tony is an equal opportunist, but apparently Steve is the paragon of straightness. Then again, the guy in front of Tony was essentially unflappable and according to rumor slept with Hawkeye at some point.

"How did that happen?" Coulson repeated.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you. So after your death that was greatly exaggerated for the sake of…" Tony began, but was cut off.

"It was not exaggerated." Director Agent argued. "I died. I was dead for days and then was in the shield equivalent to ICU for a month." Tony is positive ICU is code for something too classified for the files that Natasha dumped on the web along with the fact that the Nikki's handpicked replacement managed to survive getting stabbed in the back by Loki. Although, it seems like "survive" was the wrong word.

"I had 8 surgeries and everybody around me worried I was going to go off the deep end, which is apparently the real reason why I was ordered not to tell any of my friends that I was no longer dead." Coulson told him angrily.

"We are so having a long, possibly loud conversation about that later, but not now." Tony knew that one of them would just end up walking away if that conversation happened now and Tony needed to keep Director Agent occupied.

"So after your 'temporary death' and my almost death because that complete dick Pierce was looking for any excuse to nuke Manhattan, Pepper and I decided to make it official."

"The press release said that you 2 just broke off your three-year relationship not filed for divorce." Even while hiding from Generals, the guy was keeping up with tabloid reports about his love life. It's almost enough to make Tony happy that he and Steve are keeping things quiet for a while.

"We never did have the lawyers put together the pre-nup." Tony said with a sad smile as he finished his drink.

"We weren't ready for a step that permanent and in light of what happened that was the right decision. Maybe that should've been the first sign that neither of us was expecting forever. I don't know, but for a while there things were good." Director Agent just gave him the look. Okay, maybe he was still keeping an eye on him, even though he was tucked away on his own plane doing the shield equivalent to busywork.

"Okay. Things were not that good. I may have been having my own near after life crisis, there were also panic attacks and additional multiple near-death experiences triggered by terrorists. Also, in hindsight that asshole Pierce managed to make sure Steve was doing black ops missions in the middle of nowhere when shit went down. But I'm not telling that story again because the last time I did it, Bruce fell asleep."

"I'm not sure how that's even possible when you're speaking." Director Agent just shook his head.

"I don't know either. I'm very entertaining." Coulson rolled his eyes. "It doesn't matter because most of it is on the Internet now. So you're aware, I had the arc reactor removed and I decided to hang up the armor or rather blow up the armor." He continued to explain.

"Which apparently did not take given that you landed in the middle of my secret base 45 minutes ago. Do I even want to know why this base is equipped to handle said armor?" The man questioned.

"Hey, you called me." It's probably best that the new director doesn't know Tony designed this place personally. It may have happened during one of his post New York bouts of paranoia.

"I had no idea your number would be the second one in the toolbox." Coulson argued.

"You're trying to rebuild a covert agency to protect people without the government corruption that crippled the original organization. Of course, my private cell phone number is going to be the second thing on the list. Besides, Nikki has a thing for playing matchmaker. He's the whole reason why the undercover agent formally known as May Phillips worked so hard to make me and Steve play nice. Now he's trying to do the same with us."

"You're not my type." Coulson said without missing a beat.

"No, you prefer beautiful warrior women, who could rip your head off with their bare hands," Tony quipped. To Tony's amusement and surprise, the director twitched just a little. Okay, Hill's stories about the legendary "Really, we're just friends" duo were true, even if Director Agent couldn't remember everything.

"As glad as I am that you're not dead, I already have a boyfriend. I mean, we could probably try talking him into a four-way as a thank-alien-super-drugs-that-you're-not-dead present, but I'm not sure he would go for that. Although, you do both have a birthday coming up next month and mine was just last week." By that point, Director Agent had his head in his hands.

"Stark, why are you here? I don't even know why I missed you so much." Tony smirked at that.

"I missed you too. We're trying to catch up with me telling you the story how your beautiful warrior managed to set me up with your boyhood hero after I completely fucked up two of the most important relationships in my life."

"She's not my beautiful warrior. She doesn't see me that way." The director said a little bit too quickly. Tony smirked. It looks like he was going to be able to pay Scary Spy back after all.

"Oh yes, she is. Probably more so than the Portland cellist because Agent May actually knows you. I am even halfway convinced that she slept with Capsicle just because he was on your bucket list." Director Agent was practically spluttering at that. He was either angry or Tony provided him with masturbatory material for the next month.

"Don't be that upset about it. Think of it as a weird tribute to you. Apparently, she agreed to the undercover babysitting assignment because Nikki told her it was your last wish for her to help acclimate the Captain to this brave new fucked up world. You have a lot of last wishes." He joked.

"That's not possible. She hates undercover work." Tony smirked again at that. "Nick Fury is a fucking liar."

"You won't get any argument there. Also, you would be amazed what someone will do for the person that they are actually in love with." Director Agent didn't have a comeback for that. His mouth just fell open for a couple of seconds.

"She did her job and got Steve to do something other than beat the hell out of a punching bag. She also got us to make nice after I was a complete dick, more than once." Tony explained.

"That part I believe." The director interrupted and Tony rolled his eyes again.

"As I was discovering that Steve was kind of cool to hang around with, Pepper and I were starting to fall apart. I was starting to resent her for not understanding what I needed and she resented me for not giving her what she needed. We didn't trust each other enough to talk about these things. Also, apparently retirement doesn't work for someone like me."

"As evidenced by the fact that you came here in the suit. I like the upgrades, by the way." Director Agent quipped but Tony ignored him.

"The whole thing made me restless. I was taking more meetings in DC to spend time with Steve and Pepper was anywhere but New York a good 90% of the time. I was also trying to live vicariously through recounts of Steve's various missions, but it wasn't enough. Then, Pepper discovered that I was tinkering with the armor again." It was more like she'd found him during one of his four-day design binges, but Coulson didn't need to know that.

"She wasn't happy and suggested I spend the weekend where I really wanted to be and to figure out what it was I wanted. The answer turned out to be with Steve in his Georgetown apartment. I was mad. There was alcohol involved and I slept with Steve. He ran away. I was having Jarvis send Pepper designer shoe apology baskets and not explaining why as I avoided her by any means possible, then SHIELD blew up."

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**6 weeks earlier **

Tony doesn't exactly remember how long he's been in his private workshop in the tower. There may have been an overseas business meeting or two since the Steve incident, but Tony really doesn't remember. He left DC six days ago after Steve never returned to his apartment with coffee or anything else for that matter. He's pretty much lost all sense of time since ordering JARVIS to send Pepper 'I screwed up' basket number eight and has been hiding in his workshop. (Steve almost got a coffee basket, but he decided not to send it at the last minute.)

The only reason why Tony wasn't upset about not hearing from Steve since the incident was that Steve had been sent on some top-secret mission that Tony has yet to find any information for other than the fact it happened. He's hoping that the fact that Steve has yet to call him after what they did Sunday was due to another full communications blackout rather than he never wanted to see Tony again because he completely fucked everything up. (He also really hopes the reason why Steve has yet to contact him was not that the mission had gone so badly that Steve was in a cave somewhere being… Tony shut down that train of thought. He didn't want to think about that possibility.)

Tony is well aware he completely fucked everything up. He's just not sure if he's completely wrecked his relationship with Pepper and Steve or just his relationship with Pepper. He wasn't even that drunk. He drank 2 shots and fed the rest to Steve without the man realizing otherwise. He only pretended to be drunk because in his own experience people tend to let him get away with inappropriate behavior if they assume he's only doing it because he's inebriated.

Of course, the fact that he was mostly sober means that there is no excuse for cheating on Pepper. Their relationship was already falling to pieces. They were fighting daily about every little thing, but mostly the new armor. There was also a lot of fighting about Steve, which, considering what happened now makes sense. Pepper felt his willingness to take almost any meeting in DC was an obvious sign that he rather spend time with Steve then her. It would've been so much easier if he could tell her about the design work he was doing for Shield, but he couldn't. There were so many parts of his life that he couldn't talk to her about due to her lack of security clearance or just because he wasn't ready to talk about it.

Last Friday things came to their breaking point. She told him to go see Steve and figure out who he really wanted and not to come back until he knew the answer.

Tony had known the answer before he'd left. This wasn't working. He loved Pepper and he was trying, but at the same time he was beginning to resent her and that wasn't fair. He could run the numbers in his head 1000 times, but there was no simple equation to make this work, to fix it.

When Steve came along, he started to wonder if he wanted to fix things. He bagan to contemplate what fixing things actually meant. Did he want to fix their romantic relationship or did Tony want things to be the way they were before? He misses his friend Pepper more than his girlfriend Pepper. He missed talking to her the way they used to before the resentment, the panic attacks and the sex complicated everything.

He's not sure it's possible to go back to that, especially after last Sunday. Tony is fairly certain he burned that bridge down to the ground. Burning bridges is what he's best at after all. He just wonders if he burnt his bridge to Steve as well. He didn't know and the bastard had yet to call.

In all fairness, Tony hadn't tried to call Steve either, but Steve did leave Tony to wake up alone in his apartment and deal with the plant next door, who pretty much hated Tony and the feeling was mutual. Her job was to keep Steve safe not to act like a schoolgirl with a crush around him.

It seemed obvious to him that "Nurse Kate" was a Shield agent at least more so than the previous occupant, "May Phillips". A GS 13 State Department employee can afford a one-bedroom apartment in Georgetown, especially if her last tour was in a place where she didn't have to spend a lot and had a decent savings. The only reason why Tony knew "May Phillips" was actually a Shield agent was because he remembered her losing it at Agent Agent's funeral.

However, Nurse Kate couldn't afford that apartment unless mommy or daddy or more likely "Uncle Nikki" was picking up the tab. The fact that Natasha keeps going on about her virtues in an effort to set her up with Steve makes it even more obvious. If Steve chose undercover Barbie over…

Tony's internal monologue was interrupted by Jarvis letting him know that somebody was trying to break into his personal space. The only person allowed in his private workshop right now was Bruce. Not even his new assistant, Candy had access (that's not her real name but she usually tries to bribe him with chocolate to do anything).

However, it can't be Bruce because he is currently in Afghanistan handing out polio vaccinations, he thinks. It's a Maria Stark Foundation initiative. He really wishes Bruce was here right now, even if the man would fall asleep in the middle of the story, again. He needs a friend to talk to about his complete fuck up and Rhodey would instantly take Pepper side.

He moved toward the lab's access door and came face-to-face with an angry Pepper, who just happened to be holding a suitcase.

Shit!

She must know without him saying anything because Pepper knows everything. This was not good, but he deserved it.

"I gave you that override code for emergencies and…"

"Steve is missing." Pepper interrupted.

"That qualifies." Tony said as all the color drained from his face. "What do you mean he's missing? JARVIS, why didn't you say anything?" He asked the AI.

"I have tried to alert you of the situation for the last 75.6 minutes. However, all attempts have been futile." The AI actually sounded annoyed. Tony remembers muting Jarvis or increasing the volume of whatever he's been playing to drown out the voice of his AI. He's been in a mood.

"Steve being in danger overrides all other commands." As soon as he says this, Pepper gives him a sad little look. "I should have known something was wrong when he hadn't contacted me for the last 6 days. Who knows what type a suicide mission Nikki sent him on? I'm going to kill Nick Fury."

"Sir, I believe it is too late for that." That's when his AI bombards him with reports of Nick Fury's assassination at the hands of the World Security Council (Tony did not find that surprising at all) and images of his recently redesigned Heller carriers crashing into the organization's DC headquarters. Also, all of shield's dirty secrets have been conveniently dumped on the Internet, including the fact that Hydra has been growing inside the organization since daddy dearest started it. He isn't surprised considering the man believed Obadiah was a good person, so it was obvious that his ability to choose partners was absolute shit.

Tony believes his tech is being used in the attempt to kill off anybody who could possibly have a problem with a Hydra world order and that Steve is leading the resistance to keep that from happening, but he's not certain. There are too many talking heads and Tony was uncertain of what actually happened, but it seems like they are just as confused.

"I need to get to DC now." It's the first thing he's said in almost 15 minutes. It looks like the new suit is going to get a test run sooner than expected, but Pepper stops him before he can get anywhere near it.

"You can't fly into DC right now. They will shoot you down the moment you get near Bethesda, especially because you may be linked to this in some way. I expect the FBI to arrive at any moment to question you about what happened. That's the entire reason why Ms. Candace asked me to pry you out of your workshop after not being able to get you out of here herself for the last twenty-four hours." Considering the serious look Pepper was giving him, she wasn't joking. "And that was before we knew about Steve."

"Then, I'm just going to have to avoid the Maryland suburbs. The ones in Virginia are so much nicer anyway. Why do you think I still have the house in Arlington?" He quipped. He needed to get to Steve now, regardless of what Pepper thinks.

"So James has a place to stay whenever he has a Pentagon assignment since you destroyed an entire floor of the Pentagon City Ritz-Carlton," Pepper sighed.

"That and I like the eggplant Parmesan from the Italian place down the street across from Freddie's. I have no memory of the Ritz-Carlton thing." Pepper stood there shaking her head.

"Because you weren't the one who had to clean it up. You put a hole in the ceiling and that was before you had a metal suit. The real reason you still have the Arlington house was so that you would have a place to stay when you made some excuse to visit Steve. Because of the Ritz-Carlton incident, you are banned from most hotels in the greater DC metropolitan area." Tony decided it was in his best interest not to mention that he mostly has been staying at Steve's apartment when he was in town.

"Jarvis make arrangements for me to get into DC the normal way." He said, ignoring Pepper's angry stare. She probably knew that he was still going to fly to DC on his own and this was just for show.

"DC has been declared a no-fly zone and most air-traffic has been grounded on the East Coast; however, Amtrak is still servicing the city at this time. Ms. Potts has already arranged for you to be on the next Acela. You will be allowed to bring any specialized equipment necessary for rescue operations." Tony translates that to mean Amtrak has no trouble with him bringing a suit with him. If it was for anything else – anyone else, he wouldn't even consider getting on a commercial train, but it was Steve and he needed to get to DC.

"You have 55 minutes to get to Penn Station. Just in case you have a seat on the next normal train to New York as well. Your assistant and Mr. George are waiting for you outside." She said, handing him the suitcase. Mr. George was Tony's new East Coast driver, although not that new. He was his father's security guard when Tony was a kid.

"Thank you, Ms. Potts." Because what do you say to a person who is absolutely perfect, but not perfect for you.

"If you were missing in DC, I would want to get to you as fast as possible despite everything going on right now." The way she said it told Tony that he wasn't fooling anybody by hiding in his workshop.

"You know, don't you?" Tony is sure that she does because Pepper is the smartest woman he knows.

"That you're in love with Steve? I just got that." Pepper said keeping her voice as controlled as possible. "That you're sleeping with Steve? I've suspected it for a while. I can't think of any other reason you would voluntarily take a meeting with the head of DOE, NIH, or the EPA."

"It didn't happen until…" He started to defend himself, but what was the point? It didn't matter if he slept with Steve for the first time last week or six months ago, it was still cheating.

"I honestly didn't care if you were sleeping with him as long as I didn't have to pick up his dry-cleaning in the morning or read about it in the tabloids. Just sex I could handle." He couldn't detect any sarcasm in her words, except for the part about dry-cleaning. In hindsight, he realizes asking his assistant to clean up after your one night stand was in bad taste.

"I should've never…"

"No, you shouldn't have. I've always known who you are. I wasn't expecting to change you. After nearly a decade of trying to get you to board meetings on time, I'm well aware that some things are impossible." Pepper said sadly.

"Apparently my being monogamous is one of those things?" He said, running a hand through his hair.

"That's not it. You didn't just sleep with Steve, you fell in love with him."

"It was only-You're right." He acquiesced because he wasn't going to win that argument, no matter how much he tried. "This is different than when you had to take out the "trash" pre-Afghanistan. Don't come in here and argue that you haven't tried to change me because you have. We haven't really been arguing about Steve, we have been arguing about that." Tony said pointing to the new armor.

"I know. And it wasn't right. I just -we can talk about this later. You have a train to catch." Obviously Pepper didn't want to talk about this.

"I can always drive, plus I really don't want to take a train anyway. It's not that far. We need to talk about this." Because, really, he's put this off for way too long.

"Not right now." Pepper said opening the door to exit his lab. "The train is faster, even with the way you dri..." Her words are cut off by the sounds of bullets ricocheting off the wall and explosions from elsewhere in the building.

To be continued

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Let me know if you are enjoying this.

Also, if anybody wants to volunteer to write that four-way between Tony/Steve/Colson/May I will adore you forever.


	2. Seriously, How Did You Get in Here?

Thank you to everybody who read or reviewed the first chapter. Also, thank you to everybody who left kudos, favorite this story, bookmark this story, or added it to your alerts. Every little bit encourages me to keep writing. I would love to get more of your comments. Reviews make the writer happy. Happy writers write faster.

Warnings for this chapter: sexual content, voyeurism, and violence.

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Chapter 2: Seriously, How Did You Get in Here?

Since Tahiti or rather TAHITI, Phil has wondered what would happen when he was finally able to tell his friends the truth or at least some plausible variation of it. Would they be happy he was back or angry that he waited so long to tell them. Jasper was angry, but Sitwell was never really his friend. Although, what he was most afraid of is that no one would care. Some days it feels like Melinda is the only person who has ever really been his friend and even then she betrayed him.

So he had been surprised to get a hug from Tony Stark after the man crash their secret base (and even more so to receive a semi-serious offer of group sex). He also wasn't expecting the man to bring him very, very expensive alcohol. (How did Tony manage to bring that in the suit?) He certainly hadn't been expecting to sit there drinking said alcohol while Stark explains the story of – okay; he was not entirely sure what story Tony was trying to tell him. He is still not certain how Tony and Steve got together or Melinda's role in it.

Phil would be talking to her later about her allegedly having sex with Captain America during an undercover assignment - one he knew nothing about. She would have told him about Steve because they're friends and friends tell each other those things.

Instead, he heard another story about how Virginia "Pepper" Potts was the most remarkable woman he has ever met next to Melinda. She was definitely the most patient. If Stark did something like that to him, Phil would've brought out the Taser-the big one. Forget the Taser, an ICER would be involved.

"So while my team and I were being shot at by "SHIELD" drones and discovering that somebody I have known for nearly 3 decades was the same person who had me kidnapped and had a member of my team practically murdered just to find out why I am not dead, you were hiding in your lab because you cheated on your girlfriend? A girlfriend who just happens to be one of the best individuals I've ever met." Phil said slightly upset. He was really tempted to use the ICER on Stark.

"At least we agree on that." Tony said. Phil griped the ICER in his hand and glared angrily at him. "According to Pepper, the Steve thing only counts as emotional infidelity, which was- oh, don't look at me like that. Being locked in the lab is probably the only reason I'm still alive right now. As soon as we opened the door, "Mr. George" and my assistant started shooting at me and Pepper. Jarvis had to activate my new don't-let-the-evil-people-get-my-tech protocols. I had to come here in my second post retirement suit."

The attack didn't surprise Phil at all. He knew that SHIELD and other agencies had people strategically placed at SI. Phil remembered George from a file he read years ago.

"This guy who used to give me candy as a kid was actually a Hydra sleeper agent. That was equally as traumatic as being stabbed in the back by close friends, possibly literally."

"Apparently, he missed." Phil remarked dryly.

"He missed me. He shot Pepper in the shoulder after she disarmed 'Candy' and I shot Mr. George- if that was his real name -in the chest with his sidekick's gun as Jarvis was blowing everything up and moving specs elsewhere." Phil would ask how he was able to do that, but he was sure training with the new boyfriend was probably involved.

"He was your dad's SHIELD appointed bodyguard. He was assigned to him when your father decided to take a smaller role in the organization after you were born." Stark snickered at that as Phil started to explain. This was all in Stark's file Phil read when he was first assigned to keep an eye on the man post-Afghanistan.

"He stayed on to watch you and Mr. Stane after…" Phil stopped speaking because he wasn't sure how much Stark already knew about his father's death. Phil knew that information was leaked to the web, but he wasn't sure if Tony read it yet or if Tony would even want to. Phil has yet to touch the uncensored file regarding his own father's murder.

"Hydra or as I like to think of it SHYDRA had my father taken out because he knew too much." Stark finished for him. Apparently he did read that file.

"That was all over the news before I even made it out of Manhattan. I wonder if George went to the Darkside before or after dad died? Considering George was the one in charge of keeping dad from driving completely sloshed, I'm going to go with before." Stark said bitterly.

"Are you aware that the police report regarding your father's death was fabricated to make it look like a drunk driving accident?"

That was another thing in the Stark file. The assassination was originally covered up because the situation with Russia was very precarious at that time, with the dissolution of the Soviet Union just days away or at least that was the official explanation.

Alexander Pierce was the director of SHIELD at the time, after taking over for Margaret Carter-Jones four years previous, because she resigned due to family issues (Coulson now knows this "family issue" was her youngest daughter giving birth at 16 and being ordered to resign because of it). So it's highly probable that Pierce was covering up his own actions. Now that Phil was director of this organization, he did not feel like keeping unnecessary secrets. It is one of many ways Shield 2.0 is going to differ from its predecessor.

"Now I know they were taken out by SHYDRA's very own Manchurian Candidate or rather Manchurian Winter Soldier, also known as my boyfriend's mind wiped childhood best friend, who Steve is still trying to find." He wanted to ask about that (especially because of the mind wiped comment) but Stark did not give him a chance.

"We all got fucked over by SHYDRA. You got stabbed in the back by old friends. Thankfully, it was just figuratively this time. Bruce was attacked by the unit that was supposed to be protecting the team of doctors he was working with and Clint's partner tried to shoot him. Also, in my case, I designed one of the main pieces of technology they were going to use to kill all of us. You were at the top of the kill list with the rest of the Avengers."

Phil just looked at him shocked for a moment. It was one thing for his predecessor to consider him an Avenger, but for Tony to say that was another thing entirely.

"Not to mention, I had to spend 5 hours in a car with my new ex-girlfriend trying not to get killed and/or arrested. Awkward would be an understatement."

"Why did you take her to DC with you?" Stark just gave Phil an annoyed look at his question.

"I wasn't going to leave her in the tower to get killed, especially given that she was already shot. She's Pepper." It was the same justification he gave for bringing Melinda with the team when they evacuated the Hub even though he was furious at her at the time. He couldn't leave her in danger. No matter what, he just couldn't do that even if he hated her. Not that he could ever hate her, even after TAHITI. That fact was part of the reason why he was so upset.

"It was a productive trip. I apologized about 15 times as well as placed an order for apology basket number 10. We came up with the wording for the press release about the breakup. We agreed that I would be staying in DC for the next 3 months to deal with the fallout and to give her some 'space'. We contacted SI legal which started to come up with a strategy to keep me from being arrested for accidentally designing a piece of technology that was going to be used to massacre twenty million people and to keep other entities from using SI technology for questionable purposes. They also came up with a way to keep Steve, Natasha, and Maria Hill from being tortured in a cave by the NSA. Actually, we didn't start working on the Maria situation until after she found me in Steve's hospital room and only then because she blackmailed me."

"She blackmailed you? What could she have on you that the press doesn't?" Phil scoffed.

"The old SHIELD's surveillance made the paparazzi look like amateurs by comparison." Tony's words made Phil remember looking over his own file with Skye and realizing that an organization he had given his whole life to (literally) was observing his every move and knew things about him that even Melinda didn't know. It was disconcerting and he knew that this new Shield could never become that. "I hope SHIELD 2.0 is not planning on monitoring my sex life."

"That will not happen mostly because I don't want to analyze the data." He joked. "Besides, why do I need surveillance on you when you will tell me everything I don't want to know?"

"Because I'm just that interesting," Stark joked before starting his story again.

* * *

**6 weeks earlier**

It only took 5 hours to reach the Georgetown hospital where Steve was being treated mostly because Tony broke every single traffic law between New Jersey and the District of Insanity. Maria Hill was kind enough to send Tony a pair of text messages during their drive. The first was about finding Steve and his being taken to the hospital. The second was Steve undergoing surgery to remove several bullets from his abdomen.

By the time they do get there, the place is covered with FBI and every other law enforcement agency in the DC Metro of which there are dozens. This makes sense because the district was in complete chaos. The air smelled of ash and dust. The Metro was shut down due to the fact that a large portion of Triskelion was currently resting on the Blue Line. People were wandering the streets confused trying to get home. There were dozens of abandoned cars in the street. Tony and Pepper ended up walking the last 4 blocks to the hospital. The whole thing reminded him too much of Manhattan post invasion. It was almost enough to induce a panic attack, but not quite.

Tony would have liked to believe the reason why he was allowed into the Georgetown University Medical Center was SI was partnering with the hospital to develop new bloodless surgery techniques. More likely, it was the fact that Pepper had a minimally treated gunshot wound to the left shoulder. She was currently downstairs being lectured loudly by an angry doctor about waiting 5 hours to receive medical attention.

Tony was thankful for that research investment at the moment because Steve wasn't exactly compatible with normal human blood, therefore stopping the bleeding and restoring volume was the most crucial thing. The techniques that they were developing probably saved Steve's life.

But he didn't think about that as he saw Steve's unconscious body lying in the bed. The best of Marvin Gaye was playing in the background, drowning out the sound of that equipment monitoring Steve's vital signs. Yet at that moment no one else was there. Tony was thankful for a bit of privacy.

"Do you know how much of a fucking bastard you are?" He all but yelled at Steve who didn't move. Tony walked towards the bed and continued his diatribe at a more reasonable volume. "First, you leave in the middle of the night after what was one of the better sexual experiences of my life and considering how much experience I have you should take that as a damn complement. You have the refractory period of a teenager and are very flexible for someone your size." He joked as he grabbed Steve's hand.

Tony leaned over and whispered, "You didn't even wake me up with a kiss, let alone a blow job which would've been proper etiquette, especially with a mouth like yours. It's like you don't even need to breathe. It was so easy for you to take all of me." There was still no reaction from Steve. Tony had hoped a little dirty talk would do something. He was frustrated enough that one tear rolled down his cheek.

Straightening back up Tony continues, "I wake up to a note promising coffee and that you would come back. But you didn't come back. Instead, you manage to get yourself shot in the damn stomach and nearly drown in the Potomac and I still haven't got my damn coffee you fucking asshole." He was actually crying at this point as a cup of coffee was placed in his hand.

"It's decaf. I don't think you need caffeine right now." Surprisingly, it wasn't Pepper, but Hill.

"I always need caffeine. How do I know this isn't poisoned?" He asked without looking at her. "I've already been shot at multiple times today by various SHYDRA plants at SI. At this point, the only SHIELD agent I actually trust is buried a few miles away in Arlington and I don't mean Nikki. I'm almost happy Agent Agent didn't live to see this."

"If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead right now." Hill said without inflection and Tony completely believed her. "Besides, if I was planning to poison you, I would've had one of the nurses give you the coffee." She then sat down in the other chair across from him.

"Probably 'Nurse Kate';" He actually made finger quotes when saying the woman's name. "She absolutely hates me. I had to suffer her wrath when she caught me sneaking out of Steve's apartment Monday morning. I wouldn't be surprised at all if she turned out to be Hydra or at the very least tries to kill me." Tony absolutely loathes the woman, so he would enjoy an excuse to actually fight her.

"Because she caught you cheating on your girlfriend, with her great aunt's sort of ex-boyfriend." Tony didn't even bother to act surprised that the late director would do something like that.

"Okay, first of all, the fact that she has a crush on Steve is just disturbing. That's almost Freudian." Tony shivered.

"Second, it really wasn't cheating. Apparently, Pepper and I had an open relationship because she didn't trust me not to sleep with other people, not that she ever told me that. That should be a reason right there to…"

"Because you did sleep with somebody else," Hill cut him off.

"You can't actually prove that," Tony told her defensively. That's when Hill placed an inferior tablet in front of his face. On the screen was surprisingly clear surveillance footage from Steve's apartment of the man literally fucking Tony into the mattress.

Tony's mind instantly went back to that night. He could still feel Steve's sweat soaked body on top of his. Every single muscle pressed against him. He remembered the feel of fingernails digging into his hips, the scrape of blunt teeth against his neck and the feel of Steve inside of him.

Even someone without an extreme intimate knowledge of Steve would instantly recognize that it was him because nobody else has a body like that. In Tony's case, his photographic memory held onto a perfect image of every piece of skin. It was something he could hold onto in the loneliness that would follow the inevitable ending of their friendship. However, you couldn't exactly tell it was Tony underneath Steve, because he was face down that time. Did he mention Steve has the refractory period of a teenager?

He grabs the offered ear buds to hear what was going on (again of inferior quality). Because it is SHIELD, this particular bit of voyeurism porn has an audio track and from that you could tell it was him. The audio was essentially a litany of 'fuck', 'harder' and 'I love your cock' along with Tony chanting Steve's name repeatedly.

"Thankfully, for you, the late director decided it was best that this be purged from SHIELD records five days before we had no choice but to air all of the agency's dirty laundry, along with other pieces of surveillance that may be…"

"Use to blackmail Captain America into doing whatever you want." Tony finished for her. At that moment, Tony is thankful for Nikki's paranoia, because if Pepper found out about it from that, he probably would have arrived in DC with his own bullet wound.

"Instead, you're using it on me or at least trying to. I don't negotiate with terrorists and according to Fox News that's what you are right now. Besides, Pepper already knows about what happened and honestly, this is not my first sex tape. My PR department has a contingency plan for this situation." The new head of SI PR believed in being prepared for any possibility despite the fact that this scenario had been highly unlikely in recent years.

"Yes, but Steve doesn't and honestly you can barely tell that is you in the tape. People are already questioning what he did today. Some are calling him a patriot; others consider him another one of those shield terrorists." Hill said poignantly.

"That's mostly Fox news." Tony quipped.

"Imagine what would happen if a Captain America sex tape is released - a gay sex tape of the non-vanilla variety." Sadly, Tony had to acknowledged that even in 2014 homosexuality still bothers a portion of the world and it would give certain countries that will remain nameless another reason to hate Steve. If nothing else, Steve deserved the right to come out on his own terms, not Maria Hill's. "Who knew Captain America was into au… "

"What do you want?" He asked roughly because he cares too much about Steve to let him be hurt like this.

"I expect the NSA, CIA, Special Forces, and/or the FBI to show up any minute to take me and probably Natasha to someplace that will make Gitmo seem like a Caribbean resort." At that moment he wanted to ask about Natasha's whereabouts, but common sense told him that it wasn't safe for her to be here. There was also a good chance that she was already in somebody's custody. He just hoped that she had enough sense to call the SI lawyers.

"You want protection?" He asked not surprised at all.

"I want a job and your protection. You wanted to privatize world peace and I want to help you. Besides, you're the only one I know that has enough power to keep me…"

"From being tortured in a cave in Afghanistan." Tony supplied for her. "I've been through that one. It's not fun, especially the drowning. I still don't like baths. Although how do I know you're not Hydra. You just blackmailed me with a sex tape."

"Because if I was Hydra, that tape would already be all over the Internet, or at the very least, I would have approached Pepper first. I also would've asked for something more than a job." Hill explained.

"Good point. The lawyers are already trying to find a way to save me, Natasha and Steve from the joy of water boarding. We can add you to their workload. But you're taking a polygraph." Tony added that stipulation because he was really tired of his employees trying to kill him. Actually, he may have HR give everybody polygraphs.

"Of course, you're already trying to protect Steve." Hill rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll take the test."

"Not when I should have." Tony mumbled sadly.

"You didn't just sleep with Steve because it was the easiest way out of your relationship with Pepper, did you? You actually care about him." Hill asked looking at him strangely. Do people really think that little of him?

"I should've been here. He needed me and I was hiding in my lab like a fucking…" Tony was nearly in tears again and that was strange for him because he doesn't cry, at least not in front of other people who could use it against him.

"Sleepers at SI probably would have killed you the moment you tried to leave the building or at the very least try to. I know they actually did and things were almost over at that point." She said trying to make him feel better, but it didn't help. "We called in another special team and they never got here. Agent May is probably dead. I don't think Steve would be happy if we lost you as well."

"You are talking about Steve's ninja neighbor? The one before the descendent of girlfriend's past moved in next door."

"I guess you already knew." Hill sighed.

"I set up a way for her to email him securely while she was on her new assignment." Tony said just before losing consciousness.

* * *

**The Present **

"I can't believe she actually use surveillance footage of you and Captain Rogers having sex to save herself. We were being hunted by Talbot and she screwed the rest of us over to save her own-how selfish-I can't-this is why…" Director Agent is so angry he's not even making sense anymore.

"Deep breathe Director." Tony said trying to calm Coulson down. "There's a reason why the pirate put you in charge of rebuilding an organization to protect the world from the crazy things that go bump in the night. And FYI, Hill is currently in New York making excuses to the board about why I'm missing whatever else I'm supposed to be doing right now." The man in front of him stopped spluttering at that point.

"You care, Coulson, even when other people don't, even when it's in your own best interest not to. We push you away; you keep trying. You can still see the good in a self-absorbed playboy or a lost soul who screwed over the first people who showed him anything other than abuse and contempt. You have protected me from myself more times than I care to remember. Your ability to actually give a fuck when others don't is your superpower. It's what you do Director Agent." He told Phil honestly.

"That doesn't make what she did right." Coulson complained.

"There's no such thing as right with people like her, which is another reason why you're the one putting Humpty Dumpty the agency back together again. Besides, working with me is its own special punishment, although Pepper is really her boss. Actually, Steve is her direct superior, so you know that she's not going to be able to get away with a lot. For her penance, Pepper and I are using her as an intermediary between us. We are even playing up the post breakup awkwardness just to make it worse." Tony said trying to placate Coulson.

"There were days when I saw it that way." Coulson quipped.

"Also, you don't have to worry about Talbot, even if you didn't save the lives of most of the top U.S. military brass from the real Hydra. Definitely earning your Avenger title there." Tony quipped. "The guy is currently being "held" for invading another country." Tony smirked.

"What did you do?" Agent director almost sounded worried.

"Just a little international diplomacy. After Hill's Canadian "adventure" where she knocked out a US general so you two could rescue the princess/hacker, to save her ass or as I like to think of it save your ass and keep Steve's naked ass from being on the Internet, I may have tried to get the Canadians to hate me less by letting them know about Talbot's occupation. Talbot will be lucky if he gets to resign in disgrace, Department H has a new secret base which they will personally thank you for. You have a meeting with their Deputy Director sometime in the next week. And SI has a lot of meetings in Canada next month regarding arc reactor technology. Really, it's a win-win for everybody."

"Am I supposed to thank you or should I ask why Canada hated you in the first place?" Coulson asked.

"You should, but I did it mostly for Bruce so he doesn't have to worry about the bastard anymore. Also, I'm really glad I already knew that you weren't dead before the ass hole called up demanding both your's and Hill's heads on a platter, otherwise he would have the government freeze all SI assets." That was not a fun phone call. Actually, Tony was in the middle of enjoying the effect of super soldier serum on throat muscles when he and Steve were rudely interrupted (and Steve being the absolute Boy Scout that he is made Tony take the damn call, even though he was barely thirty seconds from cumming).

"That sounds like something he would do." Coulson remarked.

"Unfortunately, that was how Pepper found out that you're no longer dead." That's when Director Agent poured himself another drink.

"Pepper is not happy. You have lunch with her Friday. Expect another loud, angry conversation and Agent Scary already promised that you'd be there. Let's just say she took the Steve thing better."

He's not even kidding about that. He got yelled at for a solid 20 minutes for not telling her. Apparently, the fact that he was trying to give her some space was not considered an adequate reason for not calling her immediately after he found out. Okay, she may have said something along the lines of "getting your brains or other appendages blown by Captain America is no excuse for not telling me something like this immediately."

"Am I ever going to be forgiven for that?"

"Not anytime soon, Director Agent." Tony said bitterly. "But it's not like Pepper and I were the last people to find out about your Lazarus routine. According to Hill, there is a woman in Portland who still doesn't know."

"Maria Hill has a big mouth." Coulson said slightly annoyed.

"That came out when she was trying to explain why she didn't tell us about you being alive." The director just shook his head. Tony decided it was best not to tell Coulson what else Maria told them. Let's just say that if Tony runs into Director Coulson's predecessor, there won't be anything fake about his death anymore.

"Of course, she would use me to save herself, again. It's what Hill does. Why am I not- I will tell Audrey eventually, it's just – well, here you are - not exactly having a hard time accepting that I've magically come back from the dead. You have pizza nights with super soldiers and argue with aliens. It's not exactly easy to explain what happened to somebody…"

"Who is a civilian?" Tony supplied for him. "I get it. At least Pepper was somewhat initiated in my world, but anyone else would have been a disaster. Even then it still wasn't enough. Her not accepting my world completely was the number one reason for our breakup. We live in interesting times. Right now, I'm dating someone who is old enough to be my father, but almost looks young enough to be my son, if I had done something stupid in college, because Steve survived being frozen in ice for nearly 7 decades. But the sex is good, so I don't care if I have to explain 50% of my pop-culture references. Even then, I find some of this stuff weird."

"I really don't need any additional details about your sex life, especially with Capt. Rogers."

"At this point, I think you have earned first name privileges." For half a second Phil seems very sad.

"Okay, I don't want to know what you're doing with Steve. The description of the tape was enough. Wait, how did you even find out that I was no longer dead? I had Skye purposely…" Coulson started but Tony interrupted him.

"That's what I'm trying to explain." Tony said slightly annoyed. "You let me believe that you were dead for 2 years, so you can sit through this story. Where was I?"

"You were just knocked unconscious." Coulson sighed.

"By Black Widow. Obviously, she wasn't happy. She's friends with Pepper and considers herself Steve's personal bodyguard since your beautiful warrior left to babysit you or whatever."

"She's not my — just tell me your story and keep May out of this." Coulson told him defensively. Tony smirked at that.

"But she's the most important part of the story. Also, I'm pretty sure she's yours. I did mention earlier that I knew that she was an agent from seeing her throw a tantrum at your funeral?" Tony asked.

"Okay, now I know you're just making this up because she doesn't throw tantrums." Director Agent scoffed. Tony just looked at him sadly, because obviously the man didn't remember the truth. He was already thinking of the worst jobs possible to give Hill for what she did.

"But she would for you." There was Coulson's 'I don't believe you' face again. "She's one of those friends. Natasha's like that although I don't think she wants to sleep with Steve, I hope. There was this one kiss at Pentagon City, but they were trying not to get killed at the time."

"Stark!"

"After coming to, Natasha and Hill convinced me it was best to give Steve some space and let him contact me." They "threatened" him with extreme bodily harm, but Phil doesn't need to know that.

"She kicked you in the genitals?" But apparently he knew anyway.

"Among other places, but she didn't threatened me with a Taser because that's our thing." Tony smirked.

"Of course," Coulson remarked dryly.

"Also, instead of letting Steve know that I was there once he finally woke up like we agreed in exchange for my leaving, Pepper's self-appointed assassin/BFF decided to set him up with undercover Barbie again. Actually that was the point of her throwing random girls at him. She saw what was happening between me and him and was trying to 'distract him'. Although, since she actually knew what was going on with us, she should have at least tossed a couple of nice guys at him as well. I'm sure Agent Carter had a great-nephew or something." That part was more mumbled to himself than anything else.

"Grandson, actually," Colson corrected. "He was the one who tried to shoot you when you drop by my secret base. He goes by his stepfather's last name because some people want to be known for something other than their lineage."

"I already like him better than undercover Barbie." Tony quipped.

"I purposely changed all the access codes to prevent this from happening again." Colson practically growls.

"Apparently, my biometrics are in the system. Also, your hacker and my AI are besties now." No need to explain to Director Agent how that happened. "Needless to say, Maria Hill has lost her favorite blackmail material."

"What did I do to deserve this?" Phil mumbled to himself.

"You died and forgot to tell me that you were not dead anymore," Tony said annoyed. "I thought we were friends?"

"We are. Although, I don't know how this relationship started." Coulson closed his eyes and shook his head as he mumbled the last part.

"You were the one who wanted to debrief me so badly and that's exactly what we're doing." Director Agent doesn't even say a word; he just gives Tony a strange look.

"So after surviving Natasha's vengeance for sleeping with Steve before technically breaking up with Pepper, I endured a CIA debriefing, a NSA debriefing, a FBI debriefing and two congressional hearings. Congress makes the SI Board of Directors seem pleasant by comparison and I still have to deal with them for the Hill thing if nothing else. I also had to deal with the Smithsonian being really angry that Steve "borrowed" his original uniform, the backup version, when I was the one who donated it to them in the first place. Although, the worst was being grilled by Mia Barnett, the PR goddess of SI." Tony is actually terrified of the PR goddess and that was before he had to tell her about the Steve thing and the sex tape blackmail.

"That you probably never listen to." Phil quipped. "I don't remember a Mia in PR."

"Mia, the PR goddess, came on board after your not-a-death and me getting my house blown up in Malibu. Actually, she was brought in to deal with that entire mess. At least her cue cards contain stories that are halfway believable. Seriously, bodyguard?" Phil did not even bother to respond.

"So anyway, after the PR goddess decided it would be good to use mine and Pepper's breakup to distract the public from Hill's congressional testimony, I pretty much gave up hope of Steve actually showing up at my door. I assumed that he finally figured out that I am too much of an ass for him to have a relationship with." It's probably best not to tell Coulson that he was too terrified to actually call Steve himself and not just because of Natasha's threats.

"You did cheat on your last girlfriend." Coulson said pointedly.

"Hey, this is my story."

* * *

**Five weeks earlier**

**Stark house: Arlington Ridge**

**Arlington, Virginia**

"It actually worked." Tony told his AI as he scanned the various news channels. Everybody was now talking about the demise of his romantic relationship with Pepper instead of the entire SHIELD fiasco. The current theories regarding the demise of their relationship included Tony leaving Pepper for a Brazilian supermodel and Pepper leaving him for a lot of different people including every single Avenger, even Natasha. Well, every single living Avenger anyway. Tony could see Phil being her type, unfortunately, he wasn't exactly available.

"Hey, JARVIS, is it too early to start setting Pepper up with other people? Thanks to that new medication he created, Bruce can now have sex again. He would be better for her than me." He's pretty sure Bruce would at least talk about what was going on before running off to hide.

"Sir, I believe it is customary to wait at least ninety days before finding your ex-girlfriend new companionship."

"You make it sound so cold, J." He told the AI before returning his attention back to the screens in front of him.

Normally, Tony hated for the media to speculate about his love life, but he was happy they were all focused on something other than the fact that his technology was used in a major terrorist plot. He was actually happy everybody was talking about how he screwed things up with Pepper, everyone except Fox News. They were busy arguing that he had been in bed with Hydra all along and arranged to have his own father killed so he could take over the company. Apparently, he also faked his own kidnapping and the arc reactor that had kept him alive for many years was just some fake 'accessory'. In addition, he manufactured all the climate change data to increase SI profit margins.

Just as he was about to turn back to the channel that was convinced Pepper had dumped him for Steve, which was so absurd it made him laugh, he was knocked to the ground by Steve's former neighbor/sex buddy May Phillips, a.k.a. Melinda May.

Oh, he knew all about that 'non-relationship'. He'd actually walked in on the couple once. One of their sparring matches turned pornographic and unfortunately there was no AI in Steve's prehistoric building to warn him about that sort of thing.

Looking back on that situation now, Tony wishing he was a participant probably marked the beginning of the end of things with Pepper. Also, as soon as there is not a foot holding him down, Tony is going to have to check to see if Ms. Hill has that piece of footage as part of her blackmail porn collection. He wanted to get rid of those files but Mia told him not to, at least not directly. He was currently trying to find somebody with his skill set and a strong working knowledge of SHIELD systems to take care of the problem for him.

"How did you get in here without JARVIS alerting me?" He asked the woman who now had a foot on his chest. That was still a very sensitive area for him. She was also pointing a gun right at him.

"SHIELD had a way to get into all of your properties without being detected. This one in particular since it used to belong to former Director Howard Stark. There's an old entrance in your basement that you want to look into." She smirked but it came out more like a frown.

"Don't you mean Hydra?" He asked and her response was to press harder. Okay, he forgot she doesn't like jokes, unless they're coming from her Stevie Bear.

"I'm not Hydra. If I were, you would be dead right now. This is a nonlethal weapon." That's when he recognized the weapon with its ridiculous name 'Naptime Gun' or whatever. Steve 'let' him play around with his. "Also I wouldn't have bothered to remove the backdoor that SHIELD put in your security system or let you know about your father's secret passageway which might allow someone with less altruistic motives to get in here." At that point, she removed her foot from his chest and actually helped him up. However, she still kept her weapon on him.

"I'm pretty sure I heard this argument from Hill a couple of days ago." He decided it was in his best interest to keep her talking. The Arlington police would be here within five minutes anyway and if that wasn't soon enough, he always had plan B.

"I'm trying to find Maria Hill," Agent Scary started to explain. "I need her to help a mutual friend of ours. But if you prefer, we can talk about the fact that you screwed my friend 2 weeks ago and haven't called him since."

"I think Hydra would have been preferable. The Team Steve people want me dead just as badly right now. Steve's friends are scary." He rubbed his chest where her foot was moments earlier. "Have you talked with Steve recently? It seems like you know what happened."

"You slept with him, he ran away and you have been hiding in various locations since." She summarized, weapon now at her side.

"You also forgot about multiple assassination attempts, Steve almost dying, and your agency imploding around you. Also, as you said he ran away from me and I did try to see him when he was at GUMC, but I was banned from contacting him until he's ready by your younger, but equally scary counterpart."

"Considering her skill set, Widow figured this would keep you away from him, but she's unaware of Steve's history. Steve comes from a time when men, especially of your station, would use him to get off and then go back to their wife or girlfriend." Until she mentioned it Tony forgot about the stories of Steve's pre-super soldier sexual encounters. He wouldn't see Tony giving him space as being considerate, but as a reminder of what happened in the 40s.

"Steve won't see the lack of phone calls as a good thing. You have to make the first mo-I don't have time for this. I'm sure the cops will be here in two minutes." She mumbled to herself.

"Actually, it will be 16.4 minutes. The Arlington police force is somewhat overwhelmed by recent events." I.e. they're the ones who are dealing with the smoking crater of ash that was the Triskelion.

"You didn't need to tell her that." He hissed at the AI.

"I need to know where Maria is because… Phil Coulson isn't dead and I'm trying to make sure it wasn't Hydra that brought him back. If you care about him at all, you will help me find your newest employee because she may be the only one left alive who knows what really happened to Phil."

That's when Tony used plan B to knock her unconscious before she could pull her night-night gun or whatever. Plan B was a grenade shaped like a knickknack that contains the same Dendrotoxin as her gun. He decided to modify it after spending some time with Steve's version of the gun making it less noticeable for situations like this.

"Not Hydra, just delusional. If you were going to have a nervous breakdown, this would be the time to do it." Tony said, checking on the unconscious body in the middle of his living room.

"Cancel the cops. Tell them it was a false alarm or something. Maybe call Doctor- do I have a DC shrink?" Tony asked Jarvis.

"Doctor Suarez, formally of SHIELD, but she resigned nine months ago. She is currently Captain Rogers' personal psychologist." Who Steve never goes to, but the AI doesn't say that part out loud.

"Call her and explain what's going on." Tony sighed.

"Done, sir." Jarvis affirmed. "Should I contact Captain Rogers?"

"No. I really don't want the first time we speak to each other in two weeks to be about his ex-girlfriend or whatever losing it over Agent Agent."

To be continued


	3. A Funny Thing Happened

Thank you to everybody who read or review the last chapter. I am really sorry for the long time between updates. First, I went back and wrote a sort of prequel to the story called Lie Detector Confessions of a Reluctant Legacy. It's mostly a gen story where the only pairings are Peggy Carter/Gabe Jones and Antoine Triplett/OMC, but it does give a lot of background for things that will happen in this story and the possible next story in the series.

After I wrote that short story, my computer got sick. Okay, it accidentally fell off my desk. I took it into the shop on June 23 and I was supposed to get it back on July 8 (Director Coulson's cannon birthday). The geek squad determined on the 12th that my computer was too broken to be fixed and I got a replacement computer which I'm currently trying to reconfigure.

For a lot of my other stories, I've been writing the chapters on my iPhone and just proofreading at work, but that didn't work for the style of this story. I tried, but I gave up. Thankfully, about 20 minutes later they called me and told me my computer was being replaced.

I don't cover as much material in this chapter as I hoped to, but I wanted to get something out as soon as possible (and the chapter was so long at that point that I was starting to get a sore throat). On the bright side, that means this story will probably be five or six chapters. I still hope to be done before September 23.

* * *

Chapter 3: A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to Find Maria Hill

"Is anybody else worried about AC being alone with Iron Man on the bus?" Skye asked looking up from her laptop. Trip was half convinced she was trying to break into the bus' surveillance system so she could keep an eye on Director Coulson. Nope, it wouldn't surprise him at all. Skye was very protective of the director.

Actually, everyone on this team was very protective of every other member of it. It was a big departure from before (except when he was running ops with his cousin Sharon). He had cared about his former partner, but unknown to him, he had been working with a man who had no trouble murdering his underlings. The agents of the Playground seemed more like family than anything else.

Skye brought food or protein shakes to Simmons when she got too engrossed in her work while trying to figure out a way to help Agent Fitz. The engineer has been in a coma for the last three weeks after essentially saving Jemma's life when Ward tried to kill both of them. Simmons current behavior reminded him way too much of his Grandmother Peggy's actions in the weeks after his grandfather died. Trip had a feeling that something big happened between the two when they were stranded at the bottom of the ocean, but Jemma refuses to talk about it. Nobody will push, not even Skye.

Many times he has seen Skye just sit there in the Playground's lab with laptop in hand just listening to Simmons' latest theory on how to help their friend (even when Jemma was pretending she wasn't on the verge of tears). He would often do the exact same thing.

But it wasn't just Skye, once or twice he has seen Agent May doing tai chi as Director Coulson reads files aloud in the background. She has always been his sounding board. Actually, Trip is almost positive she is the de facto deputy director at this point.

Because there wasn't anything for him to punch at the moment, he helped Skye mine the SHIELD files dumped on the Internet for useful things (as well as some files that Maria Hill had on the Stark servers that only Agent May knew about). He didn't have her computer skills, but he was good at analyzing data (unless it involves coming to the conclusion that you're working for a psychopath, who is killing off your friends). Although they were no longer on the FBI most wanted list, they didn't have the resources to run around the globe taking care of the problems on their own at the moment. Therefore, any good Intel was forwarded to their CIA contact also known as is Aunt Marcy Carter-Jones.

They were not just using her because she was family, but because she would take intel about an attacker with lion paws for hands seriously. Anybody who grows up Carter-Jones was well aware that there are stranger things in the universe than their grandmother's wartime boyfriend practically being his age due to accidental cryogenic freezing and that was before the alien invasion.

Trip and Agent May have been training Skye to make sure she can defend herself against threats like Ward. Even though the man was currently housed in a highly classified government detention facility, there were plenty of other hostile agents just like him. It only took Trip a couple of days to realize that Agent May running you through her training routine was her way of showing you that she actually cared.

Director Coulson asked Trip to accompany him when he went to interrogate their former colleague Ward for any useful Intel. When he first joined the team, Trip would have assumed he was invited because the director was worried that if Agent May went they would not get anything useful before she killed him. Trip realizes now the true reason is that the director wants to spare the rest of the team from facing the man who betrayed them all in one of the most painful ways possible.

The first interview was not that productive mostly because Ward's larynx was still healing. They really didn't get anything useful unless Hydra is using a bakery and a daycare next to a fertility clinic as cover for some nefarious scam, not even the location of Agent Hand's body so they could return it to her wife.

Actually, the traitor mostly talked about how he manipulated the team in to trusting him. Trip is personally shocked that Colson did not start breaking Ward's fingers when the man started mentioning things like only saving Simmons life to get the team to trust him or the only reason why he slept with May was to keep her from realizing his true intentions. Trip never saw a man so close to killing someone, but not doing so when Ward confessed to using being under Asgardian mind control as an excuse to kill Agent May.

Director Coulson never physically attacked him at all. Trip and everyone else there would have looked the other way if he had, but it never happened. However, Trip was sure the director wanted to. Trip wanted to but his conscience, which sounded a lot like his grandmother at that moment, kept him from doing so by reminding him the guy wasn't worth that type of reaction.

Even though he was the new person on the team, he knew that this protective spirit also extended to him. When Agent Billy Koenig used the excuse of "orientation" to ask too many personal questions about his grandmother, former SHIELD Director and co-founder Peggy Carter-Jones, Coulson stopped the interview. The director also had Skye looking into the highly classified files regarding Trip's conception that may or may not have been a conspiracy to oust his grandmother and replace her with Alexander Pierce. However, for some reason that particular level 10 file never found its way to the Internet.

So considering the type of bond that he has with the team, he's not shocked that he is now sitting around with Skye and Simmons talking about their unexpected visitor. No one was surprised or upset even that he shot at the Iron Man armor before it was confirmed that the person inside it was actually Tony Stark and not some Hydra agent in a knockoff suit.

"Director Coulson will be fine. Besides May searched both of them before they even walked into his office on the bus and she let the director keep his ICER." Trip told Skye only semi-joking.

"A little less than an hour ago you were aiming your gun at him." Skye pouted.

"An hour ago, I was under the impression that all the official Iron Man suits were destroyed. Hydra had access to _all_ of SHIELD's files. They used that information to build the centipede soldiers. I can completely see them trying to build another Iron Man. Something similar happened before and the senator pushing for it was Hydra." Trip suggested.

"And it was a disaster." Skye defended.

"But it wouldn't have been if they had access to Dr. Stark's files. They could've passed it off as a legitimate SHIELD project, especially after Dr. Stark chose to focus on other avenues of helping people." It was the first time that Simmons had spoken since Tony Stark invaded their secret base. He wasn't sure if her quietness was caused by the incident reminding her of what happened five weeks ago with General Talbot's invasion or if it was related to her normal reaction after a teleconference with Agent Fitz's doctor.

Agent Fitz was currently at GUMC under the alias Leo Fitzsimmons, a 28-year-old engineer at Stark Industries in their DC office. According to the cover, Fitz was in a coma after supposedly falling overboard from his boss' boat while sailing along the Maryland shore. Only one doctor knew the truth and she was the one who called Simmons every other day. The reason why this doctor knew the truth was she'd spent her entire life around SHIELD. According to family legend, she had been born in the conference room of the old New York office. The reason why he knew about this family legend was because the doctor just happened to be his mom, Stephanie Triplett.

As of three weeks ago, she was the doctor in charge of overseeing Stark Industries partnership with Georgetown University Medical Center. She took the job after his accountant father was promoted to the head of SI accounting and moved out east. It turns out his predecessor was a Hydra spy who was recently discovered when the entire company was forced to go through polygraphs. His dad got the job because CEO Pepper Potts wanted to put someone in the position she actually trusted. They knew each other from their early days with the company, before Ms. Potts had become Stark's assistant. Part of him thinks this may be some strange conspiracy orchestrated by unknown forces, but right now Trip is not going to question it because he feels better knowing that his mom is watching out for Fitz.

"I doubt that even SHIELD could have got the specs on those suits. If Tony Stark did not want the information to become public, it was never going to become public. I have hacked into Stark Industries and I've only got in because Stark's AI wanted me to find the files that were too dangerous for the great SHIELD data dump like how Coulson is not dead and dispose of them properly." Skye almost sounded impressed.

Trip saw some of those files which in his mind explains why Stark Industries is footing the bill for Fitz's very expensive medical care. Maria Hill was very good at finding great blackmail material and apparently Trip used to work for a bunch of voyeuristic perverts. Skye convinced herself that Stark was cheating on his girlfriend with a Captain America look alike and Maria Hill happened to have video proof that Stark wanted gone, but for various reasons he couldn't be the one to do it. So he used Skye and allowed his AI to help. Trip knew better about the Captain America look alike thing, but the rest of her theory was probably true. However, he wasn't going to mention something that his grandfather told him in confidence when he was a scared 13-year-old who just realized he wasn't into girls as much as the rest of the guys on the track team.

"That same AI is currently keeping me from hacking into the security feed. J, I thought we were friends." Trip struggled not to smile; he was right about what she was up to.

"Why are you hacking the security feed?" He asked shaking his head. "I doubt Coulson is in any danger from a man who hugged him."

"Well, somebody who I thought was my friend turned out to be Hydra, so I'm going to hack into the security feed just to make sure Coulson is safe with a guy who can make..." Skye abruptly stopped speaking when she's interrupted by a British voice coming from her computer.

"Ms. Poots, due to recent breaches of Mr. Stark's privacy he has chosen to temporarily disable all security cameras in Director Coulson's office." So that was her real name. No wonder she went by just Skye.

From the many visits he's made to his father's office over the years, Trip instantly recognized the voice as belonging to the JARVIS OS that practically runs the place. He just wondered how the proprietary operating system found its way onto Skye's laptop.

"J, I've told you not to call me that. It's Skye, only Skye." She chastised AI as if he were a person.

"Ms. Skye, Director Coulson is not in any immediate danger. Mr. Stark sees Director Coulson as a personal friend and does not wish him any harm. He has no allegiance to Hydra, especially in light of the fact that they arranged for the assassination of his parents. He just wants to spend time with someone he was led to believe was deceased for the last two years." The AI said trying to reassure Skye.

"Mr. Jarvis has a point. Dr. Stark seemed genuinely happy to see Director Coulson." Jemma said almost wistfully probably wishing for her own reunion with Fitz.

It took Trip a little while to remember that Tony Stark had at least five doctorates and deserved that title even if according to company lore he only requires people who pissed him off to call him doctor. Of course, half the time he forgets that Jemma has a set of doctorates herself. He knows that she has a tendency to fall back on formalities when she stressed which is probably why the title came out.

"I know. I just worry sometimes. I still think Billy should've been allowed to put Iron Man through orientation." Skye told the others with annoyance in her voice.

Billy had wanted to put Stark through "orientation" the moment Trip put his gun away, but Director Coulson quickly said no and took Stark to his office on the bus because he liked it better. Agent Koenig was most likely sulking in the control room since he wouldn't get a chance to ask a superhero embarrassing and very private personal questions. After Trip's very uncomfortable second interview, Director Coulson banned Agent Koenig from overseeing anymore orientations.

"If you cannot trust an Avenger to not be Hydra, then who can you trust?" Jemma said with a sad smile.

"No one." Trip whispered to himself.

"Maybe he's not Hydra, but he could still be planning to turn us over to Col. Talbot or somebody like that. Maybe Stark is here to convince Coulson to leave us and take some cushy corporate job like what Hill did. If he went through 'orientation', we could know that." Skye pouted again. Trip is pretty sure Coulson possibly abandoning her is what Skye is really afraid of.

"The military is no longer looking for us, so we don't have to worry about that. I doubt even Tony Stark could convince Coulson to leave now; rebuilding SHIELD is the Director's personal mission. Personally, I think you only want Stark to go through orientation because you want to listen in on the conversation." He smiled at Skye.

"I'm not going to confirm or deny that." Skye said looking down at her computer.

"Fitz would have loved to be here." Simmons sighed. "He really admires Dr. Stark's work. Fitz read all his papers in college. Actually, I think the veneration began before then. His mom was at MIT through a foreign exchange program when Stark was an undergrad there. It was just a year or two before Fitz was born."

Trip was chuckling to himself with that last sentence. It was another strange thing he and Agent Fitz had in common. Not only did neither know the identity of their birth father, but apparently both of their moms went to school with the future superhero only at different times. In his mom's case it was first grade (before the Stark heir was sent to boarding school) because from a security standpoint it made sense for the kids of two of SHIELD's top brass to be in the same school for easy protection. Of course, he just found out about that a couple weeks ago. Apparently, Trip gets his ability not to talk about this sort of thing from his mom.

"Leo's mom spoke about him all the time. Those stories were part of the reason why Fitz became interested in engineering and weapon design even if that sort of stuff went over his then stepfather's head. The creation of Iron Man was the reason why Fitz decided to go to the Academy instead of accepting a position at Hammer Industries." Simmons said sadly as both Trip and Skye wrapped their arms around her.

"We'll just have to tell Fitz all about it when he wakes up. After Stark is done with his conference with AC, we will take selfies just so we can Photoshop Fitz into the pictures. It will be great." Skye said with almost genuine enthusiasm. Simmons just gave her a halfhearted smile.

"If he wakes up," Jemma mumbled under her breath, probably assuming that no one would hear her.

"Agent Fitz is a fighter," Trip said trying to reassure her, but all that did was caused her to pull out of his arms.

"Your mother has run dozens of tests and she still can't figure out why he's not waking up." It's easy to tell by her voice that she was on the verge of tears.

At that moment, Agent May walked into the Playground's community room speaking on a phone that looked more like a normal cell phone than the secure phones they've mostly been using since the fall of SHIELD. However, he knows the agent well enough to know that she would not jeopardize their safety.

"Do you know who she's calling?" Trip asked the other two.

"She said she was going to contact Dr. Stark's "handler". I am uncertain who that would be since his breakup with Ms. Potts." Jemma responded calmly as she tried to compose herself again.

"You're supposed to keep him from doing stuff like this. Half of my team wanted to blow him out of the sky." They heard May practically yell which was disconcerting in itself because Melinda May does not yell.

"It could be former Deputy Director Hill." Trip suggested. "Technically, she does work for him now. I wouldn't be surprised if she gave him access. Stark did get in here as easily as Talbot did."

"The first thing AC had me do was remove her from the system." Skye told him.

"He's your boyfriend. Your problem." They heard May tell the person on the other side of the phone.

"I really hope it's not Hill." Skye mumbled to herself.

"It would explain why he helped her avoid detainment." Simmons suggested as she finally started to drink the protein shake that Trip had brought her. She never really eats well after her phone call with his mother and it is even worse than usual today.

"Actually, I think he only helped her because he was being extorted." Trip told the other two women.

"I know. That's why I hope it's not her." Skye said with half a smile.

"And you didn't think to talk him out of this ridiculous scheme of his?" They heard May sigh. "He already has you by the balls." Simmons started to choke at that moment.

"She probably just meant that metaphorically." Trip suggested even though he knew better.

"Mr. Stark is not in a romantic relationship with Maria Hill." They all exhaled simultaneously at the AI's words. "Agent May is currently speaking to Captain Rogers, who is presently in route to this location with Director Coulson's 'I'm happy you're no longer dead present." If Trip wasn't a trained specialist, he would have choked on his own drink when he came to the realization that his grandmother's wartime boyfriend was now dating notorious playboy, Tony Stark. The video was one thing; it could be easily dismissed as just sex (Trip only watched about five seconds before he came to the conclusion that he was about to watch someone his grandmother may or may not have had sex with have sex with somebody else and quickly cut it off before anything beyond kissing happened). Even though Stark was just slightly younger than his mother, he would have no trouble sleeping with the man if an opportunity presented itself, but dating was different.

"Captain Rogers? You mean Captain America is coming here?" He watches as Skye starts fixing her hair at that moment. Actually so does Simmons, but he saw that as a good thing. Jemma has been neglecting basic things like eating and hygiene since they lost Fitz. If they didn't make her drink the protein shakes they fixed or force other food on her, she would quickly starve.

"And you made smart comments about me going in to fan boy mode over my grandfather's old gear." Trip quipped.

"It's Captain America." Both girls said simultaneously as if it explained everything.

"According to what we just heard, Captain America is not available, so the primping is not necessary." Trip decided not to point out that if Tony Stark was not involved he would have a better shot hooking up with Captain America (if you discount the 'Ick' factor related to the fact that the guy may or may not have had sex with his grandmother).

"Jarvis just…" That's when Skye started choking on her soda. "That means the video files are- there was wall s- she was on t– handcuffs were – Captain America really is the dude."

"You watched the video files in their entirety?" He asked while Simmons simultaneously asked, "Are you okay?"

"Not really. Why are all the non-bastard guys gay, completely in love with other people, or some combination of the two?" Trip wanted to make some snide comment about his former fiancé being both gay and a complete bastard, but he had a feeling Skye's question was rhetorical. "Seriously, how did this happen?"

"Directly after the battle of New York then Director Fury assigned Agent May to look after Captain Rogers by posing as his neighbor May Phillips. She was also tasked with keeping Mr. Stark and Captain Rogers on amicable terms." The Jarvis OS explained.

So that was who Fury got to take over Project Adjustment after Trip decided he preferred to run ops anywhere but DC after his engagement imploded post invasion of New York. The original plan was for him to help his grandparents' friend adjust to 21st-century life by moving in to the apartment next door with his new husband, Robin. Director Fury referred to it as a honeymoon assignment and wedding present that would allow him to adapt to married life and keep him in close proximity to his ailing grandmother. Instead of a quiet wedding, aliens invaded New York and his fiancé called off the wedding because he went to fight them. Trip decided that he preferred punching things on assignment in South America with his cousin Sharon than spending one more moment in DC.

"That does not mean dating." Skye shouted at the AI bringing Trip back to the conversation at hand.

"Agent May did not assist with that until five weeks ago when she arrived at the Stark Arlington Ridge estate in an effort to find Ms. Hill. Agent May needed her assistance to assure then Agent Coulson's well-being and she felt that Mr. Stark would be able to provide this information. In exchange for this information, she assisted Mr. Stark with getting Captain Rogers to realize that his intentions were admirable."

Considering everything he's seen over the last six weeks, Trip is not surprised to learn that when he assumed May abandon the team, she actually left to find help for Coulson. Unfortunately, she chose the wrong person to turn to for help.

"Considering what happened, I don't think that was a very good deal." Trip mumbled to himself. Yes, she did help the team rescue Skye after she sold them all out to Talbot, but it's hard for him to respect a person who probably used surveillance footage of someone having sex to save themselves from prosecution.

"I didn't know she was going to turn Providence over to Talbot as part of her plan to help Coulson." May said joining the conversation. "Why did you allow Stark to install Jarvis on your computer?"

"I didn't have a choice if we wanted those files and I think I now know why you really wanted those files. Apparently, the thing with Ward really was a downgrade. Can we show that file to Ward on a loop with him chained to a wall?" There was a certain amount of reverence in Skye's voice but May ignored the comment.

"Captain Rogers will be here in 10 minutes to help us with our Stark problem. Can you let him into the hanger?" She said turning to Skye.

"Sure, no problem, if you tell me exactly how you managed to hook up Iron Man and Captain America."

"The AI already told you enough." Agent May replied stoically. The three felt it was best to follow Agent May silently to the hangar area.

* * *

**What really happened**

**Five weeks earlier **

The first thing Melinda May realized when she regained consciousness was the person who knocked her out didn't think to restrain her in some way. For a genius, Stark was an idiot. Most people who made that sort of mistake ended up dead, but she couldn't kill Stark (without a good reason anyway) because for some reason Phil and Steve like him.

According to Steve's most recent email, Steve liked Stark to the point where they'd slept together even though Stark had still technically been dating Pepper Potts at the time. Okay, Steve was in love with Tony, but she knew that before she left for the bus. Because of what happened, Steve was worried that the billionaire did not feel the same way. She was not. She saw the way Stark interacted with Steve and it was something other than friendship, it always has been. She's just surprised it took them this long for the situation to explode. Naturally, their relationship just had to explode the same time SHIELD did.

She completely understands why she was knocked unconscious. She hadn't believed Nick Fury when he came to her and told her that Phil was alive after his presumed death six months earlier. Actually, she thought he had completely lost it until he brought her to Phil's apartment and saw him with her own eyes and wrapped her arms around him. Phil not being dead was too good to accept without physical proof.

It would seem Stark decided to knock her out because he was afraid she was having a psychotic break, if the conversation she is hearing right now is anything to go by. She's not mad that he did it, she's just upset that she was distracted enough to let Stark render her unconscious. May has known for a long time that her emotional attachment to Phil Coulson had led to her making questionable decisions that could be detrimental. Even though she'd slept with Ward*, during the Lorelei incident she realized she could kill him if she had to. She knew she couldn't say the same about Phil. That's why the second specialist had to be on board, in the event of a worst-case scenario.

That's why she was absolutely terrified of the possibility that someone like Alexander Pierce could have programmed Phil to become a weapon. Melinda was too in love with Phil Coulson to pull the trigger, humanity be damned. However, the still recovering bullet wound in her shoulder was testament to the fact that he didn't feel the same way.

Fortunately, Stark was starting to believe that she was not crazy because whoever he was speaking to was confirming the fact that Phil was alive. She has heard this voice, but cannot quite place it. Unfortunately, it wasn't Maria. That would make things too easy.

Melinda should have just went with her mother's contacts to get information on the former deputy director's whereabouts, but once she saw the email from Steve, she knew she had a better option in Stark. But again she hadn't expected the man to render her unconscious.

"I've always said that Nick Fury was a habitual liar. I should not be surprised at all that good old Nikki faked Agent Agent's death to get his top secret superhero boy band to stop acting like preschoolers." Stark practically growled at the other person he was speaking to.

"I can't tell you anything I learned from patient files; however, according to the level 7 and higher rumor mill, Agent Coulson died on the table at least twice, so tales of his death were not completely exaggerated." That's when Melinda realized that the other person Stark was talking to was former SHIELD psychologist, Dr. Suarez. She was one of the least condescending psychologists at the Triskelion. Dr. Suarez defected to Stark Industries some time during May's time on the bus.

"Well, considering the SHIELD rumor mill completely missed the fact that a good portion of their colleagues were Hydra agents, I really don't put much stock in their intelligence." Stark snarked at the doctor just as Melinda made her way into the other room only to see that Stark was communicating with her via video screen.

"So fine, Coulson died for a little while, but the pirate neglected to tell us that he got better. Patches could have said something about it once we sent Loki's ass back to Asgard." Stark complained.

'No, he couldn't, because Phil was still in the morgue at that point.' Melinda thought to herself. Director Fury said that he didn't tell her until December 2012 because it took a while to get Phil stable after what they did. She still wonders if that was the truth or if Fury had other motivations for not telling her. If he didn't need her to look after Coulson would she be just as ignorant as Stark to the fact that Phil was back?

"It was touch and go for a while or so I heard." The doctor said quietly.

"Fine, maybe not immediately after the battle but eventually. Instead we had a funeral that I paid for, including the property damage done by Agent Scarier. I picked out a tombstone complete with the epitaph 'He saved the world a lot'. I'm a little upset that I buried my friend when I didn't have to." Stark practically screamed.

This wasn't the first time that Melinda came to the conclusion that Fury's decision to keep Phil's resurrection a secret was detrimental to everybody who loved Phil. Fury said it was because he didn't want to put Phil's friends through the pain of losing him again if something went wrong. However, she personally felt that she would rather go through the pain of losing Phil again if she could just have a few more minutes with him. She would be perfectly fine with him hating her for the rest of his life as long as he was still alive to hate her.

"But what about you? You have been as Stark Industries employee for nine or 10 months now? Yet, you didn't say a damn thing until today. Considering that Steve's special friend is going after Maria, it's obvious she knows about Phil's Lazarus routine. Why didn't she say anything? Especially in light of the fact that my lawyers are saving her ass from being tortured by the NSA. I had a fucking right to know that Agent was no longer dead." Stark was shouting at this point.

"I was under orders not to. We were all under orders not to tell you." That excuse seems so hollow from someone else especially in light of the fact that Stark was on the 'You can tell in case of an emergency' list Fury created in case something went wrong. In her mind SHIELD falling to pieces qualified. Stark was the only Avenger on the list probably because of his resources and the special skill set needed to help Phil. If her suspicions proved true, Stark may be the only one who could fix Phil if he needed it now that SHIELD was gone.

"That's why I left. Those types of orders were detrimental to my patients." May scoffed at that. She had a feeling there was more to it than that. Maybe Dr. Suarez figured out the Hydra truth before everyone else did.

Of course, if not wanting to lie anymore was the main reason why the doctor left, she was able to do something that Melinda could not. She hated lying to Phil, but she did it anyway. She justified it by telling herself that if she wasn't there Director Fury would have just assign someone else who would not care about Phil at all. She was willing to risk his hatred just to keep him safe and now she was suffering the consequences by losing him-by losing his trust.

"If it was so fucking detrimental to your patients, why the hell didn't you say anything when you arrived at SI?" Stark shouted at the woman.

"Do you think that SHIELD just lets their psychologists walk away? I know too many secrets. I've already been debriefed by the CIA and FBI since my former employer was blown to pieces and all their dirty laundry aired on the Internet. Fury wouldn't let me leave unless I specifically agreed never to tell the Avengers that Agent Coulson is alive."

"Yet, you're telling me now." Stark sounded somewhat annoyed. "Do you need my lawyers to save your ass as well?"

"No, I am telling you that Agent Melinda May is not suffering a disassociative episode due to the fact that Agent Phil Coulson is still alive." The doctor said in her defense.

"I don't buy that. Maybe you're finally telling me the truth because SHIELD is gone and so is Fury." Melinda personally believes that's more likely. It's the main reason why she's here.

"I still have an oath to-You didn't restrain her?" At that moment Stark turns around to see her standing directly behind him. His mouth slowly lowered in shock.

"That was supposed to knock a woman her size out for an hour. It's only been..."

"14 minutes and 44 seconds, sir." The computer answered without prompting.

"Great, I'm going to have to redo the formula." The scientists mumbled under breath. He almost reminded her of Fitz in that moment.

"You have an assassin in your living room and you're worried about..." The video feed is disconnected before the doctor can finish speaking.

"Great, Fury even placed plants in the SI therapist's office." She just glared at Stark at that moment.

"So I guess I should apologize for assuming that you were having a psychotic break. Agent Agent is alive and Fury lied. I really shouldn't be surprised." Stark was visibly upset at that moment.

"You don't apologize." She remarked quietly.

"Yes, but I don't want you to kill me and I have no protection since I'm still rebuilding the armor after having to blow up the last version when Hydra plants started coming out of the SI woodwork. I don't know why I ever wanted to unretire."

"Because you don't want the person you're in love with to be in danger without you by his side." Melinda wasn't sure she was talking about him or herself in that moment. "I'm not going to kill you. Steve would never forgive me."

"So, you actually like Steve and you weren't just fucking him on Fury's orders?" She sighed, remembering that they had this conversation before she left to take her place on the bus.

"I've done a lot of questionable things following Fury's orders, but that wasn't one of them." Lying about Tahiti was one of those orders that she wished she never followed, but sleeping with Steve was never part of any mission.

"I was lonely and so was Steve. The woman he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with was now a 95-year-old widow with five children from two marriages and a grandson that was practically his age. Worst of all, most days she doesn't remember him at all. We were both in a lot of pain and he reminded me a lot of Phil. Both of them are optimistic people who only wanted to help..." She cut herself off there because she did not want to be this vulnerable with a possible threat.

"Do you really think Fury could force me to have sex with anyone?" She finished with instead.

"You'd be amazed at what the Pirate can make someone do, but I don't think that's the case this time. Agent Agent wouldn't hang out with a person like that." She smirks to herself at his words.

"About a year ago Phil convinced a hacker working for a cyber-terrorist group called the Rising Tide to become a SHIELD consultant."

"Agent always had a habit of seeing the best in people." May noticed that Stark was still using the past tense. Just like her, it will take Stark seeing for himself that Phil is alive before he'll believe it.

"The other reason why you're safe is I need you to find Maria. Like I told you before you rendered me unconscious, Phil is in trouble and Maria may be the only one who can help him."

"Why? How does Phil's safety relate to finding her?" Stark asked somewhat calm.

"Fury didn't lie to you. Loki…" she took a deep breath before continuing. "He did kill Phil on the helicarrier. However, SHIELD was experimenting with several drugs that were able to restore him." She said giving Stark a simplified explanation of the procedures performed on Phil. "One of those procedures involved implanting false memories and rewiring his mind."

Stark doesn't need to know that the procedure was done to mitigate some of the possible side effects, not that she knew what all of those side effects were. Only Fury knew everything and he was either actually dead or completely off the grid and she would not believe the former until she saw the body.

"And you want to make sure he doesn't become the Manchurian Agent?" Stark asked without her needing to explain more.

"Essentially."

"And how does this all relate to Maria?" Stark asked.

"She was there when they were reviving Phil."

"While you were off babysitting Capsicle and acclimating him to this brave screwed up world? By the way, you are a great actress. I really did believe your broken hearted act. Steve really believed you." He said bitterly. His accusation annoyed her.

"Undercover work has never been my specialty. I didn't know until December of that year. Fury kept me in the dark for six months." Melinda confessed. "I destroyed a room at the funeral home because Alexander Pierce had the audacity to come to Phil's funeral and shake my hand and tell me that his death was for the greater good." The memory made her sick and worried. Did he screw around with Phil's brain?

"Considering that the man was Hydra, I'm sure he would think Agent Agent's death was for the greater good. Agent Agent would fight him with his- you actually think that he…"

"I don't know. The only person Director Fury took orders from was Alexander Pierce. I have to know if he had anything to do with Phil's resurrection. If Phil is your friend, you will help me protect him."

"You could bring him here? I have all sorts of resources. SI is already funding most of GUMC. I'm sure I can find a neurologist that specializes in the paranormal. Actually, I think one of Pepper's friends has a wife that…" He said before she cuts him off.

"He doesn't trust me right now because he found out I lied to him regarding how Fury brought him back from the dead. He would not come with me, but maybe Maria could bring him here." As far as she knew, Maria Hill was somebody that Phil still trusted. "If you help me find Maria, I can get Steve here to speak with you." She offered because it was her one bargaining chip and she didn't want Steve as miserable as she was right now.

"Will this plan of yours involved kidnapping?" Stark deadpanned.

"If you will provide me with another one of your secure phones with access to my special email account just for Steve, I will send him an email that will convince him that not only are you serious about him, but you actually care about him and he should just swallow his pride and come see you."

"Like that's going to work. If Steve actually liked me as more than a friend, don't you think he would've shown up by now? Actually, I would be perfectly willing to have what you and he had going on as long as there was still sex and Steve would call me every once in a while. Also what happened to your phone? That was a prototype." Of course, he would be concerned about his tech.

"I sent Steve an email letting him know that I was alive and then I threw the device in some random river in Canada in case I was being tracked."

"Considering you're currently on the FBI most wanted list that was probably a good idea. Actually, come to think of it, they had a picture of Phil too, but I just thought that Talbot was a moron. The guy is still chasing after Bruce."

"The guy is a moron."

"Unfortunately he's a moron with weapons." Stark scoffed.

"Steve likes you probably more than he should. He just didn't want to completely destroy your relationship with your girlfriend. He wrote me a five-page email about the entire thing before things blew up. As soon as he's aware that you two are no longer together, he may show up here without prompting." She told him.

"That's not a problem considering PR came up with the brilliant idea to use the implosion of my relationship with Pepper to distract everybody from Maria's appearance in front of Congre…fuck!"

"She's testifying on the Hill?" Why didn't she consider that possibility before? With Fury dead/off the grid and Widow gone, Maria was the only one left to answer questions.

"Not exact- I didn't say that. Okay, yeah, she's testifying in front of Congress, but not on the Hill. The briefing is too sensitive for that. However, I don't exactly want to handover to you someone who has a blackmail porn collection featuring my only night with Steve. Maria may have as few videos starring you too, because who knows how long your former bosses had a camera in Steve's apartment. Maybe you put it there." Stark accused.

Considering her line of work, she could have done something like that, but Fury told her that there were no cameras in Steve's apartment except for a few outside at various entry points. They definitely were not in a position to capture something unless they had sex in the hallway. Considering Stark's reputation and what happened between her and Steve in the training room that one time, it was entirely possible.

"I did not put a - that's how he figured-Fury was watching the entire…" She took a deep breath to control her rage. It wasn't productive at this moment. She shouldn't be shocked at all by the supposedly deceased director spying on her intimate moments with Steve, especially since Steve was her supposed target.

"Answer this question and I will help you: what is the real reason you're here?" Stark asked seriously.

"Coulson." She responded just as quickly as she did at Providence base.

"But why? Why is he so important to you that you will break into my house to find Maria Hill? Are you in love with Phil?"

"Are you in love with Steve?" She shot back instead of answering.

"I asked first." The billionaire shot back.

"Yes," Melinda answered once she realized that the truth was the only way to convince Stark to help her. "I'm in love with Phil Coulson even though I know the situation is hopeless and he hates me right now. I will do whatever I have to do to protect him because I'm always going to love him."

"Jarvis help the lady out with Operation Get Captain America while I arrange for Maria to be distracted so you can sneak up on her after her meeting. Also take care of transport." She exhaled at Stark's orders.

"Of course sir." The AI responded in the affirmative.

"Just for the record, Steve isn't just some fucktoy for me or an easy way for me to terminate my relationship with Pepper like a certain other former colleague of yours argued. Pepper will always be special to me, but somewhere between arguing and too many trips to Five Guys, I managed to fall completely in love with Steve Rogers." The way the scientist looked at her told May that he was telling her the absolute truth.

"I already knew that. It's why I came to you." She smiled as the billionaire left her with his AI to compose a letter to Steve.

To be continued

* * *

I enjoy your feedback so please leave comments

*Just a quick reminder/clarification, during the flashbacks to five weeks earlier May is still unaware of Ward's true allegiances.


	4. Cars are Easier to Fix then People

Thank you to everyone who read or review the last chapter. Also thank you to everybody who left kudos. Reviews and kudos make me happy and keep me writing. Jaki, I added extra Coulson & Tony banter in this chapter just for you. I was really stuck on how to make all the pieces for this chapter come together, but your well-timed review pointed me in the right direction.

Also a reminder, now that GotG is out and we are getting closer to season two as well as getting more details about Avengers 2, this story diverges from MCU cannon at the end of AOS season one. I may incorporate elements from the new stuff (similar to what happened in my ST: AOS story The Truth About Love), but only if it fits with what I have planned. However, that probably won't happen until I do the next story.

Chapter 4: Cars are Easier to Fix then People

* * *

**Five weeks earlier**

When she finally climbed into the car with memory stick in hand, she was exhausted, sweaty and covered with dirt. May was relieved that Fury's riddle actually paid off. It took her several hours and the borrowing of some equipment, but she now had what she needed - she hoped. Part of her knew that she should close the car door and leave. She wouldn't be surprised if the guy who saw her exiting Phil's grave called the police, but she needed to know the truth now.

May grabbed the tablet laptop hybrid Stark gave her off the passenger seat and inserted the portable drive into its' appropriate port. Maybe if she hadn't been so exhausted or focused on bringing up the data, she might have noticed Steve coming to stand beside her. Instead she doesn't notice anything until he speaks.

"Did you really think you could come all the way to DC without seeing me?" She quickly closes out the file at the words and drops the device back on the seat. She checks her reflexive move to pull her ICER as recognition of his voice kicks in. She is surprised to find herself being enveloped in a hug. She wasn't sure Steve would ever want to speak to her again after he learned who she really was. Her ex-husband filed for divorce before even allowing her a chance to explain once he found out she was a spy.

"I thought you would be busy with Stark." Melinda said returning the embrace.

"You know?" Steve asked pulling out of the hug.

"Of course, I wouldn't have sent you that email if I wasn't okay with it. In a weird way, he's good for you. How did you find me?" Instead of answering, Steve simply points to her tablet. Naturally, Stark would track her.

"Tony told me that your James isn't dead - or I guess I should say our Phil is not dead." He only sounded slightly annoyed.

"More like back from the dead and possibly brainwashed by Hydra." Melinda quipped. "I'm here to find out if that was the case."

"There's been a lot of that going on along with lies from all sides."

"I didn't mean to lie to you." She doesn't say she was just following orders. She knows better than to say that now. "Just to clarify, I didn't sleep with you on Fury's orders. That was something I needed to get through things and I think you needed it to."

"But you did lie to me." Steve seemed visibly hurt.

"Not entirely." May closed her eyes. "My last name is May, not my first. Phillips was my last name when I was married. That marriage fell apart after he found out I worked for SHIELD. I really don't get along with my mother for the reason I told you, but different agencies were involved. I had a very long 'I told you so' conversation with her recently." It was a very long car ride from Canada and that was another part of the reason why she went to Stark instead of using her mother's contact.

"What about James?"

"Phil's middle name is James." May started to explain. "We've been friends since the moment I became a member of SHIELD. I have been in love with him for a very long time. I think he's the reason why I didn't even bother to fight when I received the divorce papers. When you and I first met, I was still mourning Phil. Fury did not tell me about Phil not being dead until Christmas that year."

"Is that why you forced me to see Tony afterwards?" He asked referring to her forcing him to go to New York after Stark had the arc reactor removed.

"Yes." Melinda answered simply.

"Are you really in love with him?" Steve asked pointedly.

"Yes, but nothing has happened." Melinda explained sadly. "Despite the second chance, I've been too afraid to act. Now, it's too late. In an effort to keep Phil safe, I completely betrayed his trust and now he hates me. That's the real reason why I pushed for you to talk to Stark before it was too late. Thankfully, you're braver than I am."

"You're always brave." Steve hugged her again. "I think he'll forgive you once he understands why you did what you d…" Steve was interrupted by Stark's AI which was slightly disconcerting because May swore that she deactivated all cellular and Wi-Fi capabilities on the special tablet. She should've known that any device created by a Stark would have the means to overcome such issues.

"Police have been called to investigate reports of vandalism at this location and are expected to arrive in 12.4 minutes." The AI told the pair. "It would be best to leave now. Mr. Stark has already made arrangements for you to be reunited with your team via private transport."

"I've discovered it's best to listen to JARVIS." Steve said walking around the car. He picked up the tablet and settled into the passenger seat. With the AI's directions they made it to the airport undetected. Upon finding Stark waiting for her on the plane, she wasn't entirely sure that was a good thing.

* * *

**The Present**

"I'm trying to decide what's more shocking, Melinda May hugging Captain America or seeing Captain America fly Lola into the Playground." Skye whispered to the other two as they witnessed the superhero embraced their usually stoic colleague. Unfortunately, Captain America was dressed in civilian clothes and not his trademark uniform.

In Skye's mind a fully restored Lola was the bigger surprise because honestly she never thought she would see the Corvette again. She assumed the car was a goner after Lola saved her and Coulson from Ward and Mike while he was still under the control of Garrett and Hydra.

The last time Skye saw the car, she was being towed away by Maria Hill because the former agent said that the technology in Lola couldn't fall into the wrong hands and she would take care of repairs. Apparently, taking care of it meant turning it over to Captain America or more likely his sugar daddy, engineer supreme boyfriend.

It's moments like these that she misses having Twitter. Captain America is hugging one of her friends and she cannot even post about it. She really wished she could post about Captain America dating Tony Stark. There were a couple of homophobic kids from one of her group homes that she would just love to inform of the fact that the patron saint of the orphaned and the biggest bad ass ever were anything but straight.

"The car." Trip whispered to her and Simmons braking Skye out of her thoughts. "I hope the security cameras are catching this."

"I do too. I miss my Stark phone. I would so be taking pictures right now." Skye lamented.

"Director Coulson's admiration for Captain America is legendary. Actually, his love for all things vintage including that car is legendary. Did you hear the story about how his Captain America cards were used to get the Avengers to come together in New York?"

"We don't talk about that story." Simmons said hastily remembering the angry glare that she and Skye had received from May when the woman walked in on that particular discussion. Of course that was before they'd found out the TAHITI truth. A cute little story about how Director Fury splattered "fake" blood on Coulson's vintage Captain America cards loses its cuteness when you realize that no fake death was involved. Of course, Trip didn't know about some of the more painful details regarding TAHITI.

"I find the embrace and laughter more shocking." Simmons remarked. If it wasn't for the fact that she'd seen the blackmail porn tapes from the Maria Hill collection, Skye would have been just as surprised. Apparently, the pair had the type of relationship where more than hugging was involved. (There was also one recording that had May, the master of emotional control, breaking down in Captain America's arms because she never made a move on a really good friend before he died. For Skye, it was proof that May actually has feelings.)

"Why?" Trip asked. "I've seen her hug you before." The incident in question was right after a particularly bad phone call with the doctors treating Fitz. It resulted in Simmons wrecking her room and May being the only one who could restrain her. The scientist fell asleep crying in her arms.

"I'm not sure I would actually consider that a hug, but May has been part of the team for nearly a year so it would be natural for us to have that type of relationship. However, she's never mentioned being acquainted with Captain Rogers." Simmons said defensively.

"If I did my math right, they worked together for months before she joined you guys last year. When you're running missions with somebody you grow close fast. It's the nature of our business. Therefore, I'm pretty sure they're friends. See, they're joking about Lola." Trip pointed at the two. They were no longer hugging, but Steve had his arm around her as the soldier showed her all the upgrades Stark made to the car. Oddly, he referred to Lola as being May's car.

Trip was right; they really looked like friends in that moment. May was actually smiling, smiling. Skye isn't sure that she's ever seen anything beyond a smirk from the woman. The only time she ever relaxes is when she's with Coulson. Seeing her like this was disconcerting.

Maybe they were friends. Skye couldn't see how that was even possible. How can you be friends with somebody you used to have sex with? Skye knows for a fact they had that type of relationship. She didn't think it was just a friends with benefits thing because she couldn't see a guy from the 40s going for something like that. However, most of her Captain America assumptions have completely gone out the window since she realized that was no superhero look alike in those video files, so what's one more. Biting, leather, and sex toys oh my.

Skye had never really stayed friends with any of her ex sex partners afterwards. Of course, she has a tendency to be drawn to complete assholes. In the grand scheme of things, Miles wasn't that bad. Is it wrong that she's almost happy she found Eric's body before she allowed Ward to convince her that a quickie while their friends were trying to capture some potential super villain was a good idea?

If she thought about it, May maintaining a friendship with Captain America shouldn't surprise her. May has always been able to separate physical urges from emotions. Despite having the thing with Ward, she had no trouble kicking his ass when needed and that was before she found out he was a Hydra puppet. Actually, the only time it was obvious that May had emotions that could be compromised was when Coulson was involved. Sometimes, Skye felt he was her only emotional vulnerability. She knows there's something there, but can't put a label on what that something is.

"It's a pleasure to meet you again, Sir." Skye turned around to see Trip actually saluting. Apparently, she was so wrapped up in her head that she missed part of the conversation and more important things like Trip and Simmons walking over to Lola.

"Please, you don't have to do that. And it's Steve not Captain Rogers." The captain or rather Steve said extending his hand.

"Grandpa and Jamie would be offended if I didn't try." Trip joked as he grabbed the man's hand.

"You served with his grandfather?" The captain just nodded his head at Skye's question.

"Then maybe you could tell us who it is. He rarely talks about anything personal. With a first name like Antoine, I'm thinking Jacques Dernier." She decided not to mention the bet that she and Fitz made about it before Ward screwed everything up because Simmons may start crying again. After a secure videoconference with Trip's mom (who looks more like his sister) about Fitz's status, she's even more confident of her choice in their betting pool. Unfortunately, Captain America and Trip just start laughing at her.

"I'm a spy. We don't give out details about our personal life unless we have to." Trip remarked.

"Or completely make things up instead like enjoying board games or not being a lying asshole." At that moment, she felt Trip's hand gently squeeze her shoulder.

"My mom named me after one of her childhood friends but switched the name into French. Uncle Jacques may have suggested it, but I don't know for sure." He pauses and then whispers in her ear, "I'm not telling you that just so you trust me, but because I trust you."

"So your grandfather is not Jacques Dernier?" Trip just smiles at her before leaning over to whisper in her ear again.

"You owe Fitz two stuffed monkeys and a pizza." The bastard knew about the bet. That's so unfair.

"I served with his grandfather and grandmother." Captain America confirms. "From the things May has told me, there is a lot of your grandmother in you. I'm sure she is proud of you." Trip just smiled at that, it was a sad smile. She remembered Trip vaguely mentioning something about his maternal grandmother having Alzheimer's and not remembering him half the time.

"Peggy Carter is your grandmother." Simmons blurted out joining the conversation for the first time. She's been so quiet these last few weeks and Skye hates it. It's like Jemma was missing half of herself without Fitz being here. Skye doesn't know how to make it better.

Trip essentially nods his head in reluctant confirmation.

"How did you figure that out?" Skye asked for a moment slightly shocked.

"Do you really believe I'm going to let anybody treat Fitz without researching their qualifications?" Skye knew she wouldn't. In all honesty, Skye was surprised Jemma hadn't asked her to do a background check on the entire hospital.

"Doctor Triplett received her doctorate under the name Stephanie Carter Jones in 1994 at age 24, two years before she changed her last name to Triplett. However, I didn't want to assume anything because Carter and Jones are common last names, and both parties were married previously. Also former Director Carter's children from her first marriage carry the last name Carter-Jones. However, the additional information from the captain makes it obvious that your mother is the only biological child Margaret Carter and Gabe Jones had together." Simmons said very matter-of-factly proud that she reached the right conclusion.

"I'm impressed and your hacking lessons have been paying off." Skye said proudly. May was giving her the look.

"Have you visited grandma recently?" Trip inquired before May could ask Skye anything about her special computer science lessons with Jemma.

"I went to see her two days ago after a particularly bad mission. She's okay. The good days are good and the bad days are…"

"Unbearable." Trip supplies for him and the captain just nods his head.

"If you want to see your grandmother, I can talk to Coulson about giving you some time off." May suggested, once again reaffirming that she is an actual human being. "Of the five of us, you may be the only one who can walk around DC without being arrested."

"Well for being a SHIELD agent anyway." Trip quipped.

"I thought we were no longer wanted fugitives?" Jemma asked slightly puzzled.

"The military and CIA no longer want us. However, the FBI and the NSA are not as understanding; the same goes for the intelligence branches of several other governments." Trip explained.

"The only reason why the military is no longer after you is Tony's lawyers and apparently the CIA is more pragmatic than their counterparts. Other agencies are taking more time to convince. However, by the time you guys come to DC next week, things should be okay." The captain said almost smiling which bothered Skye. Maybe the reason why Stark is trying so hard to clear Coulson's name is because he wants him for SI.

"I haven't spoken to Coulson about that yet." May finally spoke.

"I thought you were going to…"

"I haven't had a chance and we haven't decided anything yet." May said cutting off the captain.

"Why do I feel like there's an entirely different conversation going on that I am missing?" Skye muttered to herself.

"Because they probably are," Trip mumbled under his breath before turning to the rest of the group.

"It's fine. I'd rather not run into my ex-fiancé right now. I don't feel like hearing 'I told you so'. Robin never completely liked SHIELD and in the end it's why our marriage never happened."

"Mr. Ray, correct?" The captain asked and Trip nodded his head. "I think he's one of your grandmother's nurses? Or rather he was. Evidently, Peggy punched him after he said some unflattering things about you when the news about SHIELD came out. She broke his nose." The captain related smiling broadly.

"That's grandma. I've always known that she is still in there somewhere." Trip said returning the grin.

"You were engaged to a guy?" Simmons asked Trip slightly shocked.

Skye had already known that for a little while. She may have tried to sleep with Trip to get the taste of Ward out of her mouth during their fourth day at the Playground only to discover he was just 'straight for OPS'. He was really nice about it. They raided Billy's secret chocolate supply and watched trashy romantic comedies. At one point, he told her about this crazy mission where he had to pretend to be his cousin's boyfriend because the person in charge of the mission had no idea they were related.

"Yes, my ex-fiancé was a guy and he was also a complete prick." Trip told her bitterly.

"There's nothing wrong with that. I mean there's nothing wrong with you being gay, but it was very wrong of him to end your engagement for such a ridiculous reason-I have no trouble that you're gay or bi or… Fitz dated a few guys at the Academy which is probably why I didn't…" At that point during the babbling, tears began running down her cheeks. Trip placed his arm around her.

"I am a complete idiot." Simmons said breaking down in sobs and Skye just froze. Computers were so much easier.

Thankfully before things could get more awkward, Iron Man drags Coulson into the hanger.

* * *

Steve had wonderful timing, Tony thought to himself as he slid his phone back into his pocket after reading Jarvis's notification. Super boyfriend arrived at Coulson's secret compound just as he told Coulson about finally striking a deal with Agent Scary. Coulson had essentially been silent since Tony started telling the story of how Ninja Neighbor broke into his house in Arlington.

"I don't know what I find more unbelievable, that you knocked May unconscious and she let you live afterwards or that you only agreed to help her after she confessed that she was in love with me." Coulson skepticism was deafening even if he hadn't raised his voice.

"I don't know why. You're a very lovable guy. I flew a nuke into a portal just to avenge your death." He decided it was best not to say something along the lines of 'I'm probably only alive because Ninja Neighbor knows that you like me'. Truthfully, he doesn't want to say this out loud because he doesn't want to be proven wrong which seems highly probable considering the annoyed glare that he's getting from Director Agent.

"I don't think that was the only reason." Coulson mumbled under breath.

"If it wasn't for you, I would still be a self-absorbed ass. I think you helped me become more than that. You're the heart of this operation. You see the good in everyone. It makes sense that Ninja Neighbor is in love with you."

"I don't believe you." Tony wonders if he's really saying 'I can't believe you.' He is pretty sure the only thing that will convince Coulson is hard evidence which was conveniently waiting in the man's email inbox.

"Agent May made the deal because she wanted to protect you and now that SHIELD is mostly ashes, I'm the only option." Director Agent visibly bristled at that. "She wrote Steve a riveting love letter that convinced him that I'm not a complete dick and he showed up at my front door a few hours later. It took him a while to actually knock on the door, but eventually we were making out like teenagers. It all worked out." And they ended up having sex on the staircase. He kept that remark to himself since he's already been chastised once for over sharing.

"While you were making out with your new boyfriend, my team was being detained by an Air Force Colonel who has a tendency to go straight for bunker busters. And Skye, the one who is apparently friends with your AI, was in Hydra custody. I don't consider selling out my entire team to Colonel Talbot as help." Tony just closed his eyes. Maria Hill, the gift that keeps fucking him over.

"That is not my definition of help either." Tony began. "My definition of help was stashing you and your team at one of my private houses overseas in a country without an extradition treaty until the lawyers figured out a way to get you all off the FBI most wanted list - which they're still working on by the way. I think the CIA corroboration will help. Then I was going to put you in charge of my new crime-fighting nonprofit. I was thinking of calling it the Future Foundation." Director Agent continued to glare at him.

"Okay, maybe we need to come up with a different name but we cannot exactly call it SHIELD because of the 'branding issues'. Although, we could call it Captain America's Shield or something like that, but I'm not sure Steve would be…" Because of the glaring, Tony decided it was not the time to let Coulson know that his childhood idol was upset with Fury for not entirely keeping his promise (frankly, Steve should know better by now, because Fury always lies). The only thing placating him was Tony and Agent Scary's reassurance that any organization Coulson was in charge of was going to resemble what Peggy started rather than what the organization became in the end.

"Look, I really didn't have a chance to talk to Hill before she went off on her Canadian adventure. Ninja Neighbor didn't quite follow my instructions and knocked out one too many federal agents following Hill. Because of this, she was detained before I could speak with her. I'm not even sure she read my text message asking her to bring you back with her." Knowing Maria Hill, she probably ignore the message on principle. Tony believes this is revenge for never doing what SHIELD wanted him to do in the first place.

"She tried to convince me to leave everybody else to the system and follow her to SI, but I wasn't about to leave my team behind. That's not my style." Coulson explained.

"I'm aware it's a package deal. I would take Agent Scary just so I would have somebody to watch Steve's back during his mission to find the Manchurian Soldier. Sam has a day job and Steve's self-preservation skills need work." If it wasn't for super soldier healing, Steve would still be covered in bruises after his last adventure. Tony believes this is the universe's way of getting back at him for all the things he put Pepper through.

"Steve would've made me anyway. Steve would also make me take Peggy's grandson regardless. Howard would have made me do the same thing if he wasn't taken out by Hydra. He adored Jamie, Marcy, and Stephanie."

His dad always got along better with the Carter-Jones daughters than his own son, except for Desiree. Desiree hated Howard. Sometimes Tony was positive that his father simply hated him because he turned out to be a boy. The guy wanted a daughter so much that stored somewhere in the DC house Tony has a pink baby blanket embroidered with the name he would have had if he'd been born female. It's probably for the best he wasn't, because two Avengers named Natasha would have been confusing.

"I'm personally mad that SHIELD found Skye first." Tony told Coulson shaking off his own thoughts. "Also, I hear you have a biochemist who would make the perfect playmate for Bruce and according to Hill your engineer saved Steve's ass with his mouse hole thing. That means he has a lifetime offer of employment at Stark Industries."

"Unfortunately, Fitz is currently in a coma." That must be the engineer.

"I know that's why I'm paying for his hospital care. Wait, I thought his last name was Simmons." Tony remarked. Although, the name Fitz is really familiar. He thinks that he may have went to college with somebody with that name. Suddenly, he remembers a 20-year-old British girl in Lola's backseat.

"That's it. Her last name was Fitz." Tony said out loud without thinking.

"What are you talking about?" Coulson gave him a strange look.

"Lola." As soon as he said the name, Coulson got a wistful look on his face.

"What does Lola have to do with anything?" Director Agent asked slightly annoyed.

"Ever since Maria Hill dropped the car off at my house as a peace offering at the end of April, I've been trying to remember the name of the girl I slept with in said car when I was in college." Okay, now Coulson looked really pissed off.

"You had sex in my car?" Tony was expecting him to yell, but he didn't. He just raised an eyebrow.

"Not recently. Steve refused to even let me give him a blow job in the car once I was finished with restoration." Tony wasn't even joking about that. Coulson's expression just got darker.

"Stop looking at me like that. It wasn't your car at the time. It was dad's car back then and you know me and doing anything to piss off daddy. Come to think of it, it was a SHIELD car, so neither one of you really had ownership. I was maybe 15 and she was 20. She was this beautiful exchange student from England or somewhere around there and completely out of my league. I tried to impress her by borrowing my father's car before I was old enough to drive. It worked." Tony quipped.

"You do realize that was statutory?" His last therapist said something similar.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time and it wasn't like Howard actually cared enough to press charges or so I thought. Anyway, I couldn't remember her name except that it started with an F or a K. Now I remember, it was F…"

"Was her first name Kella?" Coulson interrupted.

"I think-maybe. What's with all the questions? Do you really want to hear all about my sordid sexual past if it doesn't involve Stevie Bear? That reminds me, did you seriously offer to give him a hand job in the middle of…"

"I'd prefer not to know about it at all," he answered emphatically avoiding the hand job comment. "Except I've been hearing about little else for the last hour. What was the point of this conversation?"

'_To get you to remember that you told Pepper about having feelings for Melinda during your drive to the airport before all hell broke loose which is the real reason why you let the cellist moved back to Portland without trying to change her mind.'_

"To make you realize that Ninja Neighbor is completely head over feet in love with you to the point that she would break into my house and use her best friend as a bargaining chip because she knew I love Steve to the point I would do just about anything." Tony said instead.

"You're in love with Captain America?" Director Agent asked slightly shocked.

"I have an unbelievably inappropriate crush on Captain America to the point where I did things with his posters that I probably shouldn't have. Evidently you did too judging by the fact that you're starting to look a little pink." Tony joked.

"I will not confirm that."

"Captain America is perfectly crushable. I mean those arms and that ass made me realize I was into guys long before I was being dragged into the backseat of a vintage convertible." Tony almost sounded wistfully. "But Captain America is not Steve. Steve is a prick when he wants to be. He's supposed to be a tactical genius and yet he doesn't always think things through. He will rush in head first if he believes it's worth the risk. He curses like the Army man that he is. He hogs the covers and don't even get me started on his inability to talk about his feelings."

"Which is something your great at considering you couldn't even tell your loved ones that you were dying," Coulson said bringing up the Palladium poisoning incident.

"You have no room to talk because you couldn't tell your loved ones that you're not dead anymore." That statement shut Coulson up very quickly.

"Fine, you don't want to believe May is in love with you or maybe you do believe May actually cares about you and you're…"

"Last time, I got two agents killed because I let my personal feelings get in the way which is why I don't date other agents, anymore." Coulson interrupted. Tony wondered if he was talking about the rumored Hawkeye incident. Clint still refuses to confirm that one.

"Except you are not an agent anymore. The old rules do not apply. You can do whatever you want." Tony told him.

"Just because you slept with your CEO…" Coulson started

"Who I am still friends with even after our relationship went sideways. Your relationship with Clint even survived. In both cases, work never suffered." Director Agent didn't even flinch when Tony said the man's name.

"Does he know?" Of course, he would ask that question.

"No, you get to tell him yourself. I've already dealt with Pepper." Pepper was bad but, Clint may use him for target practice. He doesn't even want to think about what Natasha's reaction will be. Tony only told Bruce because of science and remarkably the disclosure did not result in having to rebuild the lab (again).

"Maybe for your birthday weekend we can have a 'Thanks to alien DNA Phil Coulson isn't dead' party. We'll have lots of alcohol. It will be great." Tony already knew it would be as bad as 'the birthday party that Pepper does not speak of' hopefully with less property damage, but this needs to happen.

"No." Director Agent answered emphatically.

"What about presents? Actually scratch that. Your present is already outside." Tony said realizing it was time to hand over the keys to Lola.

"What did you do?" That's when Tony dragged him out of the plane to see Lola with Steve and Agent Scary standing next to the car. However, Coulson's attention was focused on the scientist sitting on top of the car's hood in tears with the person Coulson refers to as Agent Triplett. With that last name, he must be Stephanie's kid. (And the fact that her kid is probably about the same age as Steve, not counting his time as a Capsicle, made Tony feel like a dirty old man.) The car went completely unnoticed until the scientist apologized for crying on top of Lola.

"You brought Lola back?" He asked blinking.

"I distinctly remember telling you that I was restoring Lola for the sole purpose of giving her back to you. I'm sure I said that." Tony said from the edges of the group.

"No, you didn't." What followed was Director Agent going into complete fan boy mode over Steve. Tony was watching the whole thing unfold with JARVIS's new BFF.

"It's like the Howling Commandos gear all over again." His fellow computer hacker mumbled next to him. "He really needs to get a room."

"That's what I'm hoping for." She just looks at him strangely.

"Not with Steve," Tony told her before thinking better of it. "Well, unless I was watching."

"And this was how old SHIELD got their blackmail porn on you." The girl quipped.

"You saw the video?" He asked slightly worried. Steve couldn't deal with that tape being made public right now.

"For someone in your 40s, you're very limber." She joked. "You don't have to worry about me leaking the tape. If I wanted it on the Internet, it would be. Thanks to Coulson, I'm not that person anymore." She reassured him.

"Director Agent is special that way. Did you happen to see the other…" He trailed off pointing to Coulson and May.

"The one where she breaks down over her dead friend … It was Coulson. Seriously?" Skye asked confused.

"Yes and I'm trying to play matchmaker." Tony sighed.

"Getting rid of the competition. Very smart." Tony chose to ignore the comment.

"How fast do you think you can get everyone else out of this room?"

"Quickly, but on one condition?"

"You want something other than a five-year-old laptop? Done." Actually, that was already in the trunk because JARVIS deserved better living conditions.

"No, I want your promise that you won't take Coulson away from us. We need him right now." That almost sounded like a plea.

"I promise to do everything in my power to make sure Director Agent will be around for a long time." He decided not to mention what all that might involve.

* * *

**Four days earlier**

Today was a bad day. He had yet another meeting with Congress or rather congressional staff members thanks to his new (and now former) assistant forgetting to mention Tony was personally doing the briefing. The congressmen would have showed up otherwise. To be honest, he'd rather deal with the staffers anyway. At least they actually knew what they were talking about and there was significantly less ass kissing on all sides. (Tony wondered if he could possibly poach one of the staffers for himself. He's already gone through two assistants since Candy tried to kill him.)

After trying to explain for the thousandth time that he was completely unaware that Hydra had infiltrated SHIELD when he provided it with proprietary tech and that many of the agents were innocent and therefore should not be rounded up and shot like dogs for the sake of politics, all Tony wanted was Steve. Specifically, he wants to be fucked against the nearest wall by him or to do the same to him. He wasn't picky.

The only problem was Steve was in Brooklyn looking for the ghost of best friends past after another potential Winter Soldier sighting. His boyfriend swore that he saw a glimpse of a metal arm when Tony dragged him to this old Brooklyn pizza place that had existed when Steve was growing up. This wouldn't be horrible if Tony could return to the tower, but he was keeping his promise to give Pepper space.

Their dinner with her three nights ago was one of the most uncomfortable of his life mostly because his now former assistant conspired with Pepper's assistant to play relationship counselor by scheduling them both to attend the same business dinner. (If he'd known Pepper was attending, he would have never allowed Steve to tagalong. Contrary to popular opinion, he's not that much of a dick.) After Steve apologized profusely and gave her a large bouquet of flowers (which he still would like to know how Steve knew to bring), the conversation revolved around the appetizers and meal in general because everything else was too classified or too awkward. Tony decided it was probably best that he go back to DC.

In his defense, anything with Pepper was going to be awkward regardless (as proven by their private business lunch the next day to deal with the meddling assistants). Pepper was still upset about the Coulson thing and it wasn't like they could actually talk about that in public (but it came up several times at lunch). Sleeping with Steve, she was perfectly fine with. She even made a threesome joke. (Seriously, why did he never consider that option before he ruined his chance by being an ass?) But wait a couple of hours—okay, two days - to tell her about Coulson not being dead and he was getting another icy glare. He had already sent her shoe apology basket number 10 for this alone. The last time he sent her the BIG basket was after he got the Malibu house blown up. Finding out from a cocky and idiotic Colonel that one of your friends was not really dead was probably equally traumatic.

Making matters worse, the business dinner just happened to be with the new head of accounting Jonathan Triplett and his wife, who had been named head of SI medical research at GMUC primarily because a patient potentially going crazy from being injected with a super drug made from alien DNA wouldn't faze her. He didn't realize until the dinner Stephanie Triplett was actually Stephanie Carter-Jones, who pretty much stopped taking his phone calls after the great kidnapping incident of 1986. (Maria Hill didn't tell him how this event was tied to a SHYDRA plot referred to as Project NURSERY until the morning after this meeting. The list of ramifications is still more than he can focus on now.)

It wasn't until they were in the guest rooms at the tower that Steve tells him he only asked to come along on this dinner was because he knew Stephanie was the daughter of Gabe Jones. Why couldn't Steve have mentioned that on the way to dinner?

To further derail things, he couldn't talk to Steph about the real reason he brought her into SI. They were in public (again thanks to the assistant not following his instructions to arrange for something at the tower) and the fewer people who knew about Phil's resurrection the better. Tony didn't want his reunion with the guy after so long to be a rescue op.

Add in the fact that he is now dating her mother's ex-boyfriend (and somehow she figured that out without him saying a word) and of course the only safe area of conversation is going to be the cuisine. This is why HR was looking for another new assistant for Tony. Tony didn't even fire her, Pepper did.

Because Steve was occupied with his great winter soldier chase (and he'd promised said boyfriend to cut back on his drinking), the only acceptable way he could decompress was to work on the cherry red vintage convertible currently in his garage that Maria Hill brought back from California. It had only taken him a few moments to recognize the cherry red darling as the one that had belonged to his father.

Tony and this car had history. He'd learned to drive in this car at 12 thanks to his mom, Maria, and Jarvis. He'd lost his virginity in it. He was almost 15 and she was a twenty something British or maybe Scottish exchange student that he'd impressed by borrowing his father's favorite car just so he could see her one last time before she went home. He couldn't remember the girl's name, but he remembered the car's involvement. He also remembers his mom grounding him for two months for 'disappearing' that night despite the fact that he was in college at the time. She'd been terrified he gotten kidnapped because it was only a few months after the Stephanie incident. Now that he's an adult and he knows about his father's role in SHIELD, he understands why the kidnapping of the daughter of his father's old friend was so terrifying. Howard and Peggy Carter-Jones had a lot of the same enemies.

He punched a wall for the first time when he discovered that Obadiah sold Lola right after his parents died. He was furious. He just lost his mom and dad, he didn't want to lose one of the few things he associated with happy times (not that there were many).

It wasn't until Hill managed to bring the car back with her from her botched Coulson mission that he found out Lola Stark was a weaponized flying car that would make James Bond jealous. After his father died, SHIELD took possession of it because they couldn't allow someone outside the organization, not even him, to have that technology. Personally, he believes they were mostly keeping the car away from Obadiah. Lola was coming back to him now because daddy dearest put in a strange provision into the original SHIELD bylaws. If something were to ever happen to SHIELD most of the proprietary technology, intellectual property, and patents would revert to Stark Industries. Apparently, Lola was considered 'intellectual property'.

However, during her 23 year absence she was locked away for years until Coulson rescued her from an unknown storage facility and lovingly restored the car. According to Steve, during Phil's not death the car went into the custody of Agent Scary. It annoyed Tony that he never went with Steve to look at his neighbor's vintage convertible.

Hill probably brought the car back to get back on his good side. It didn't work. There was lots of screaming, mostly about her and her cohorts keeping Phil's resurrection from all the Avengers. They didn't have to tell him the miracle drug details, he would've accepted 'the dead for eight seconds' lie that they were using for everyone else. That's what he'd told Pepper and she believed it. Tony shouted at Hill for half an hour for that alone. Steve was particularly angry when he found out that they purposely kept May in the dark for the first six months for the sole purpose of trying to convince her to become the seventh Avenger.

Tony and Steve yelled at Hill for a full hour for screwing with Phil's mind. He remembers saying something along the lines of "No wonder the other agencies can't see the difference between SHIELD and Hydra because right now even I'm having a hard time seeing it." He was beyond furious on agent's behalf. It only got worse after Pepper told Tony about her last conversation with agent. Apparently their friend broke up with the cellist for another reason beyond not wanting to do a long-distance relationship and her name was Melinda May. Unfortunately, Phil doesn't remember any of that because they fucked up and deleted too much.

As a mechanic, he wanted to fix Phil. The mind was not his area of expertise (Luckily, he had the money to hire people who were subject matter experts so that was okay), but Lola he could fix. After everything that's happened, at least he could give the guy back his car even if a part of Tony wanted to keep it. Unfortunately, Lola Coulson formally Lola Stark needed a lot of work.

Working on Lola the last few weeks gave him a way to decompress after dealing with congressional kindergartners. Hydra had done a number on the vehicle. Restoring her flight capabilities was easy. He may have had a little too much fun upgrading her defense capabilities because he really would like Director Agent to stay alive for as long as possible. Lola would also be the first car to run on arc reactor technology. However, getting rid of the bullet holes without having JARVIS scour for replacement pieces all over the globe was a lot harder. After four weeks, the car was practically ready for delivery.

"Agent May is calling." The AI interrupted as he was tightening one last bolt underneath Lola.

"Tell her that Steve's in Brooklyn right now and just send an email." Tony said absently inspecting his work.

"Agent May is trying to reach you." The AI responded.

"Tell her to call me back later. I'm busy." By busy he meant that he wanted to take the car out for a test drive. He wondered how far out of the city he would have to go to find someplace where nobody will notice a flying car. Maybe he should have added cloaking capabilities.

"She said to tell you that Director Coulson is currently waking up in the middle of the night to compulsively draw a design similar to the one made by Hydra operative John Garrett during the height of his psychosis. She sent you a picture." Okay, that was bad.

"Put the call through." Tony tells the AI worriedly.

"What's going on? I thought Agent Agent was doing okay. He sounded fine when I spoke to him a few days ago, just snarkier. By the way, thank you for sneaking my phone number into Fury's toolbox." If it wasn't for May telling him the truth, Tony had this feeling that they would be working against each other instead of working together. It was better this way.

"Technically it's Director Agent, if you insist on using that nickname."

"It does have a ring to it." She just sighed before explaining that last night she caught Director Agent carving strange possibly alien symbols into one of the walls in the storage room. Considering the wall was covered in those designs, she thinks he's been doing it for weeks possibly ever since they arrived at their current location. However, during daylight hours he doesn't remember anything. He could tell that she was very worried about this. He was too, but he refused to show it.

"I could Instagram a picture to a certain Asgardian, but I think I'd have a better chance of getting a message to Asgard itself than the middle of nowhere place he is now." Tony joked. Realistically, Thor may be the only person who would have a clue to the meaning of what Phil was writing.

"Be serious." The agent snapped.

"Being a snarky ass is how I deal with stuff." Tony told her defensively. "When dealing with the effects of alien biology, don't you think that it's a good idea to consult an alien?"

"The fewer people that know about this the better, at least for right now. I'm not even sure if knowing what the symbols are will actually help us. Have you spoken to Dr. Triplett about Phil's underlying condition at all?"

"She hasn't had time to meet because she's dealing with another patient. Considering that patient is one of yours and she calls you guys every other night, maybe you should talk to her about it." Tony said defensively.

"It has to be in person. Even this conversation may be too dangerous, but at least I know that both sides are secure." He knew she was right. Tony heard about the kidnapping as part of Hill's 101 excuses for keeping him in the dark.

"Then you should bring Phil here." Tony suggested. He personally felt it was a brilliant idea. It shouldn't be that hard to convince the others to come down for a few days.

"Too dangerous," Agent Scary said a little too quickly.

"Lawyers are working on getting the NSA, FBI, and the governments of several other countries not too shoot the moment you arrive in DC. I'm sure you, me and Steve can deal with all the other threats. Also, you already promised to make Coulson have dinner with Pepper as soon as it was safe. I need that dinner to happen so she will stop being mad at me. I'm even working on building a cover for everyone on your team. I'm thinking of making you Steve's new assistant." In his mind, he could just picture her glaring at him. "In the meantime, I want to stop by to see Phil for myself."

"No. Call me when Dr. Triplett is brought up to speed on the situation." With that she disconnects from the call.

"Do you know where she was calling from?" Tony asked the AI.

"Of course, Sir. It was very easy to reactivate Agent Poots Wi-Fi capabilities on her laptop. She is calling from one of the bases that you helped design." Tony smirked at that.

"Is there anything I have to do Friday that absolutely requires my presence?" Tony asked already making plans for a very special weekend getaway.

"You have a meeting with the Board of Directors at two that day. This cannot be rescheduled." The AI left out that Pepper would kill him if he did not show up.

"Okay, let Maria deal with it." Considering everything she's done, she deserves to deal with the wrath of the board. Besides compared to Congress they are pushovers. "And call Steve."

"Of course, Sir."

"Hey, Stevie Bear." He started before Steve had time to even say his name. "How do you feel about a weekend retreat to a secret not quite military installation? Agent Scary will be there. I'm sure you could talk her into a three-way or if we are lucky a four-way. Look, I know you haven't found Bucky yet, but you need a break. This is slowly driving you crazy."

"Tony, I don't think that is such a great idea." Steve sighed.

"Maybe not the group sex, but everything else is. Besides, I kind of want to meet this computer prodigy, Skye, in person. Trust me, it will be great and I think May needs you. Phil is getting worse." Tony knew he would win with that statement.

"Ok." Steve acquiesced.

To be continued.


End file.
